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Old 12-25-2012, 03:53 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
2,720 posts, read 2,601,474 times
Reputation: 2814

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I know from the title alone if I were reading this, my immediate response would be Hell NO. But given the circumstances, I'm considering it. Here's the story: I moved to a new city a couple of months ago for a job, a very good job. Granted, I've only been here a couple of months, but here are some facts:

1. I'm 44 years old and want a family. That, in and of itself is a problem because I'm weeded out based on age alone on internet dating sites. The women who do contact me are 40-45 with kids and obviously aren't what I'm looking for.
2. My new city is the single mother capital of the U.S. I'm not against dating someone who has 1 kid, but would prefer to date someone with no kids AND someone who would like to have a family.
3. I'm an introvert, so meeting women in the bookstore, bar, or grocery store is pretty much out.
4. I've joined meetup groups and that doesn't seem to be a viable option either. Neither is church from what I can tell, though church is big here.

I had a meeting with a matchmaking service in town yesterday. I'd like this to be my last Christmas alone. While the service isn't exactly cheap, it lasts a year, and its approximately 2 introductions a month. I looked at a similar service in Atlanta after my divorce and vowed I would use it once I got my career back on track. Well, its finally on track and I clearly need help in meeting the right women. I have until the 31st to take advantage of this "special" the company is offering (though she'd probably give me the same deal a month from now). Thoughts?
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Old 12-25-2012, 04:08 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
46,984 posts, read 35,312,527 times
Reputation: 36116
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
I know from the title alone if I were reading this, my immediate response would be Hell NO. But given the circumstances, I'm considering it. Here's the story: I moved to a new city a couple of months ago for a job, a very good job. Granted, I've only been here a couple of months, but here are some facts:

1. I'm 44 years old and want a family. That, in and of itself is a problem because I'm weeded out based on age alone on internet dating sites. The women who do contact me are 40-45 with kids and obviously aren't what I'm looking for.
2. My new city is the single mother capital of the U.S. I'm not against dating someone who has 1 kid, but would prefer to date someone with no kids AND someone who would like to have a family.
3. I'm an introvert, so meeting women in the bookstore, bar, or grocery store is pretty much out.
4. I've joined meetup groups and that doesn't seem to be a viable option either. Neither is church from what I can tell, though church is big here.

I had a meeting with a matchmaking service in town yesterday. I'd like this to be my last Christmas alone. While the service isn't exactly cheap, it lasts a year, and its approximately 2 introductions a month. I looked at a similar service in Atlanta after my divorce and vowed I would use it once I got my career back on track. Well, its finally on track and I clearly need help in meeting the right women. I have until the 31st to take advantage of this "special" the company is offering (though she'd probably give me the same deal a month from now). Thoughts?
Post on several online dating sites at once. At your age, the odds are in your favor--there are usually many more women than men. There's no reason for you to be weeded out due to age. To the contrary, the late 30's/40's women would be interested. There are single, child-free women out there. Career women, for example. I vote for giving online one more shot before forking out for the service. Ask the owner of the service what the percentage is of single/divorced moms to child-free women in her database. She should know. Try different churches. (Where are you located, the South? Bible Belt? Mid-west?)
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Old 12-25-2012, 04:31 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
2,720 posts, read 2,601,474 times
Reputation: 2814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Post on several online dating sites at once. At your age, the odds are in your favor--there are usually many more women than men. There's no reason for you to be weeded out due to age. To the contrary, the late 30's/40's women would be interested. There are single, child-free women out there. Career women, for example. I vote for giving online one more shot before forking out for the service. Ask the owner of the service what the percentage is of single/divorced moms to child-free women in her database. She should know. Try different churches. (Where are you located, the South? Bible Belt? Mid-west?)
Ruth, I've been doing 4 dating sites at once, 2 free and 2 paid. Its not working. Ideally, I'd like to meet a woman in her mid 30's. That certainly isn't happening. I'm in Oklahoma City, so Mid-west/South and Bible Belt too. I am looking for a career woman, hence the service. Its been around for 10 years and most of the women are career women with no kids. I am also trying a new church this weekend.
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Old 12-25-2012, 04:32 PM
 
1,340 posts, read 1,787,983 times
Reputation: 1768
i would be very careful. a lot of these matchmaking services are total rip-offs, please do your due diligence and find any reviews on the internet that you can, before signing anything.

also, unless you use one of those "elite" services (the kind that charges $10k +), the women you'll meet through such services are likely to be far from attractive. sure, you could get lucky, but if you're paying something like $2500 or more for a year, you'll probably want at least reasonably attractive women but I can tell you with a fair amount of certitude that that won't happen.

so basically, if you can't afford an elite service, don't bother. you're better off without them.
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Old 12-25-2012, 04:55 PM
 
1,325 posts, read 1,052,051 times
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Focus on getting date coaching instead, whether in person or studying and improving your ability to meet, befriend, and hang out with women with LTR potential. Because even if a matchmaking service introduces you to a quality woman, ultimately you have to have the personality traits, behavior, and lifestyle to carrying it through to an LTR and maintain it. Good luck!

Last edited by Dr. Clean; 12-25-2012 at 05:06 PM..
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Old 12-25-2012, 05:13 PM
 
Location: Oklahoma City, OK
2,720 posts, read 2,601,474 times
Reputation: 2814
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Clean View Post
Focus on getting date coaching instead, whether in person or studying and improving your ability to meet, befriend, and hang out with women with LTR potential. Because even if a matchmaking service introduces you to a quality woman, ultimately you have to have the personality traits, behavior, and lifestyle to carrying it through to an LTR and maintain it. Good luck!
I totally understand what you're saying. Its a good point, however I'm pretty good once I get past the first 1-2 dates. I have had no problems getting into relationships once I've been out on a few dates, its actually meeting women that is the problem. So I'm not a complete social misfit, just a little quiet at first. That, combined with living in the single mother capital, has proven to be an issue. I also realize I "should" be patient, as its only been 3 months. But I've been divorced over 3 years and not getting any younger, so my patience (and time) is running out. I have done a lot of counseling, read books, etc., and do understand how to communicate much better with women now. Its the approach that I've never been able to do. But once I get to know a woman, I have good results. Does that make sense?
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Old 12-25-2012, 05:58 PM
 
14,754 posts, read 20,989,928 times
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No. I had a friend who was about to "pop" for one of those services. I forgot if he did, to no avail, or if he did not go through with it. At any rate, he wound up marrying a woman who worked with him. She was a little bit older than him (not much) and she was Russian, but had been here a while and had her papers in order. They proceeded to have 2 kids of their own. Her 1 child did not take to his new brother and sister, while they clamored for their older brother. It wasn't hostile, just aloof. The biggest problem was that he had a pit bull (no, he's a white collar guy) because it was a puppy left in their office parking lot and people convinced him that, being single, he should take it home. The dog would growl at the kids when young. My gut reaction, despite the demographics, is NO. Even if they match you up well "on paper," it's not guaranteed that the chemistry might be there. You don't need to answer this - but, consider how and where you met your wife, and what the criteria was that caused the deal to go through. You are evidently assertive enough to hold down white collar work and to have gotten married before, so your biggest hurdle is the demographics of the area.

Add on: Meetups pick up too many "random" people and it depends on the topic. Every single language oriented Meetup I have joined/left has been a disappointment. Also, the singles venues at churches, and I'm speaking from my ATL experiences, are divided by age 21-35, and 35-onward. I lived there in my 20s and some couples formed, but not many. In the 35 plus groups, it is not a "balanced" group. Also, if mega-churches, the singles groups are nothing more than "meat markets." A friend of mine left Catholicism to go the mega-church route and the people in their singles groups are even worse, in terms of sophistication and having it together.

Last edited by robertpolyglot; 12-25-2012 at 06:24 PM..
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Old 12-25-2012, 06:12 PM
 
1,325 posts, read 1,052,051 times
Reputation: 1040
Quote:
Originally Posted by Atlguy39 View Post
I totally understand what you're saying. Its a good point, however I'm pretty good once I get past the first 1-2 dates. I have had no problems getting into relationships once I've been out on a few dates, its actually meeting women that is the problem. So I'm not a complete social misfit, just a little quiet at first. That, combined with living in the single mother capital, has proven to be an issue. I also realize I "should" be patient, as its only been 3 months. But I've been divorced over 3 years and not getting any younger, so my patience (and time) is running out. I have done a lot of counseling, read books, etc., and do understand how to communicate much better with women now. Its the approach that I've never been able to do. But once I get to know a woman, I have good results. Does that make sense?
Yes, but it sounds like you suffer from approach anxiety just like most of the posters here on this relationship forum. You also, you sound as if your needy (desperate for a wife/family) and lack confidence with meeting women. And you got a major hang up on dating single moms too. Do you know how many hot women are single moms??? Even if you are not interested in marrying a single mom, you could sure use the experience of approaching them, being an entertaining guy to go out with, and, in general, practice becoming a more of an attractive mature male. Because being needy and lack of confidence are unattractive traits to most women. Yeah, and though I do not really know you, in my opinion, this is all about what it means to be, or become, an attractive mature male. And reprogramming your beliefs, adjusting behaviors, and making lifestyle changes to be one are critical steps in reaching that goal.

Read up on alpha males, becoming one, study and learn from men who are successful with women. Treat this like a 2-3 year project, such as if you were training for a triathalon --nothing short of a committed full effort to be a better you. Along with that, you should really be trying to date as many women as possible until you find a keeper. Good Luck!
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Old 12-25-2012, 06:21 PM
 
1,638 posts, read 921,493 times
Reputation: 1422
Here's an idea: Freeze your sperm, and when you find the right woman, have a kid.
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Old 12-25-2012, 06:55 PM
 
Location: Bangkok, NYC, and LV
2,037 posts, read 1,781,965 times
Reputation: 1128
Are we talking its just lunch or a legit elite matchmaker? I used both and there is no value--any more than you would get from match.com--in the lower tiered ones. If you have very specific criteria and are handicapped by geography then consider it.
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