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  #1  
Old 05-17-2004, 09:11 AM
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My 38 year old friend/co-worker is dating a 19 year old... thoughts?

I work at a small liberal arts college. I have a co-worker with whom I'm work chums (we're not bosom buddies but we like each other at work- I'm sure you've had one). He ended a long-term relationship last year (non live-in) and I was glad when he said he'd met someone who really "did it for him"- bright, vivacious, intellectual and, I just learned when I met her- 19 years old. She's a student at the college where we work. (He's technically a professor but he's non-teaching, so she's not ever going to be in any of his classes, so that's not an issue.)

Hmmm... she's certainly cute and seems really nice, but I can't get over the age difference. I'm not going to say anything to him or her about it because it's none of my business, but it majorly bothers me (two levels: he's still a professor and she's still a student even if the college doesn't have a dating ban [unless students are in the professor's class] and the fact that she's by some definitions a minor and he's closing in on middle age]). I'm curious to see what others think: if you had friends in this type of relationship, would you think "She's a BABY!" or would you think "one can't control where the heart will lead"? 1.3239 pennies for your thoughts.
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  #2  
Old 05-17-2004, 09:14 AM
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My husband's second wife was 17 years younger than him. It obviously didn't work out. She moved on to younger pastures.
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  #3  
Old 05-17-2004, 09:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kalhoun
My husband's second wife was 17 years younger than him. It obviously didn't work out. She moved on to younger pastures.
My parents had an 18 year age difference (she was 16 and he was 34 when they married [and he was her high-school teacher]- this was rural Alabama in the early 1950s when that wasn't so scandalous) and the marriage lasted for 30 years. Unfortunately. (It wasn't a happy union, it's just that its unhappiness got tenure.)

How much of my parents' unhappiness was based in the age difference I don't know, but I can't shake the feeling that when a guy goes after a gal half-his-age, however else he may justify it the lust for firm young flesh is high on the list of REAL motivations (not to say that he can't be intellectually attracted as well). I'm honestly not sure what motivates a 19 year old girl to go after a guy twice her age (it's definitely not money with this kid as judging by her car and clothes she's from a very well-to-do family).
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Old 05-17-2004, 09:24 AM
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You are absolutely right. It IS none of your business.
Maybe you would do well to adopt my motto: I don't care WHAT you do, as long as you don't do it to me.
Or what I tell my kids- you worry about YOURself, and let others worry about THEMselves.
Just my opinion, love.
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  #5  
Old 05-17-2004, 09:49 AM
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As a Prof. at a small Liberal Arts College in New England, I'll say this. Wht he is doing is very taboo among the upper echelon of college profs. Though not conpletely unheard of, it does happen, but it is not a norm by any means. Sounds like your 38 year old prof. work-buddy, needs to re-think his situation. It is not advisable to date students at your institution, and though I have personal objections to the age difference, in this situation it is more of a professional indecency.
And it is non-of your business, but you'll probably be called upon to pick up the pieces when it falls apart. I feel for the girl....If she only knew what she was getting into...
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  #6  
Old 05-17-2004, 10:00 AM
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Originally Posted by Sampiro
I'm honestly not sure what motivates a 19 year old girl to go after a guy twice her age (it's definitely not money with this kid as judging by her car and clothes she's from a very well-to-do family).
Sometimes it's the father figure thing.
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  #7  
Old 05-17-2004, 10:09 AM
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I like the much older guys myself. On the other hand, this does seem a bit icky to me. I think it's because the girl is "just a baby". Before I started dating men twenty years older than me, I dated men the same age as myself, and one much younger. Makes me wonder if this girl knows what she is doing, but hey! Could be she just wised up a lot faster than me.
In conclusion, this is none of our business, so let's just give a little shudder and forget about it.
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Old 05-17-2004, 10:16 AM
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This is similar to my sister's situation and I'm pretty worried about it. She's 19 and apparently not just seeing, but sleeping with a 35 year old Scottish man that none of her family has ever met or knows anything about. She let it slip to me (I'm 28 FWIW) when she had had one too many beers at a party exacting a promise that I wasn't to tell our mother. Well I told my older sister and she told my mother so technically I didn't tell but my mother doesn't know what to do. My younger sister has a history of telling lies about who she's socialising with and what she gets up to when she goes out and despite numerous talks with her six older siblings (she's the youngest in the family) she can't seem to see the problem with this.

OK part of me says it's her life and she should do what she wants, and we can't lock her up because she's not a minor anymore, but I honestly do question the motivation of the average 35 year old man who wants to go out with a 19 yr old. He's either too much of a loser to get someone his own age or he is mainly motivated by sex rather than a desire to build a 'future' with his partner (and equal partners? - unlikely with this age-gap until they're maybe 55 and 70). Also the fact that he's from Scotland - for all she knows he could be married and just coming over here for a bit of action every now and then...

I would be interested to find out how much the 19 yr old mentioned in the OP's family know about her 'relationship' with your colleague. My view is that if you have to tell lies/ feel uncomfortable about introducing your partner to your family and friends (given that you have an otherwise excellent relationship with your family - some mileages may vary) your gut instinct should be telling you that something is wrong with this situation and it doesn't bode well. I just wish my little sister could see that and I fear for her safety (she lost her virginity last year by being drugged and raped by a 40 yr old at a party no one knew she was at because she had lied).
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  #9  
Old 05-17-2004, 10:17 AM
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First, my gut reaction? Gross! :gag-me:

You'd say age should not be a factor? For such great age differences, I can't believe this is true beyond the superficial layer called lust (and/or gold digging)? When the luster is gone, the younger one probably won't be around for the long haul. It is a fool's paradise. ...And, it'll never work. Seen it first-hand. It tears families apart - because it has impact and fallout concerning more than just the once-happy couple. It's even worse should they marry AND have kids. Then, it generates perhaps the ugliest of all divorces. That's when their age differences really show the most...when the younger one esp. just cannot handle it.

I WAG it is the older one's way of foolishly thinking one can escape a mid-life crisis in this fashion...only to wake up one day with a total stranger when reality comes a-calling. - Jinx
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  #10  
Old 05-17-2004, 10:27 AM
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Anyway, who says this is a heavy relationship? Maybe they're just screwing each other's brains out.
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  #11  
Old 05-17-2004, 10:37 AM
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I'm 43 and the guy in the OP is my hero. The only upside of being middle-aged is that you can date women half your age and no one gets to say "boo" about it. From the age of 32 to 37, I dated a woman 17 years my senior. My last date was with a 25-year-old. As long as nobody's breaking the law and everyone's having fun, I don't see a problem here.

Quote:
I just wish my little sister could see that and I fear for her safety (she lost her virginity last year by being drugged and raped by a 40 yr old at a party no one knew she was at because she had lied).
I'm very sorry your sister endured this, but the rapist in question could just as easily have been 20 years old. Sexual predation isn't something one grows into.
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  #12  
Old 05-17-2004, 10:38 AM
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I second the opinion that

it's none of your business. Seriously, who cares? He's well within the law, and it's his and her life to live.

Find something worth your time to worry over.
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  #13  
Old 05-17-2004, 11:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Krokodil
As long as nobody's breaking the law and everyone's having fun, I don't see a problem here....I'm very sorry your sister endured this, but the rapist in question could just as easily have been 20 years old. Sexual predation isn't something one grows into.
Point taken but the point I'm making is that it's much less likely to be a level playing field emotionally between the two when the guy is 15-20 years older. I do believe that at later ages gaps are less relevant but there is generally a huge difference in maturity/ life experience between a 38 year old man and a 19 year old girl.

The point is that these affairs break up more often than stick together in the long run, and when affairs break up someone nearly always gets hurt no matter what we would like to believe. I think the younger and less-experienced of the two is more likey to get hurt in this situation. That's why I can't help feeling that guys who go out with much younger girls are often sleazy because they aren't necessarily being honest about what they're prepared to offer their young girlfriend who is often so starry-eyed and flattered at being given attention by an older man that she doesn't fully appreciate the reality of the situation. I'm painting a bleak picture I know but I think it's a bit more realistic than the happy sunny picture a lot of other people paint of such an un-equal relationship.

And yeah there's nothing much you can do about it other than express disapproval when they're both 'consenting adults' but there are adults and there are adults, so yes, I do reserve my right to disapprove in general (while conceding that in certain rare circumstances it may work out well).
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Old 05-17-2004, 12:01 PM
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Like others and yourself have noted, it's none of your business. I agree it's very strange, but they are both adults and (hopefully) capable of making their own decisions.
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Old 05-17-2004, 12:47 PM
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I won't say anything about it because I learned long ago that nobody (myself most certainly included) is going to listen to anybody else where their sex-life is concerned and, as somebody here pointed out, 19 is above the age of consent in every state, but here's another weirdity (is that a word?)- the lady he just broke up with was a grandmother. She was a very young grandmother (she had a kid when she was about 18 and that child had a child when she was about 22- the lady was slightly older than my co-worker- probably 41-42- and became a grandmother after they started dating- and though I'm gay I can still say she looks better in a pair of tight jeans than any "granny" I ever saw). It's just particularly unusual to go from dating a grandmother to dating a teenager (unless you're Woody Allen).

I think part of my revulsion is being gay: middle aged gay guys (and for the purposes of this I'll count myself [I'm 37] as middle aged) who go after teens (I'm not talking ephebophiles, but 18+) are pretty much universally reviled as "chicken hawks"- it's fine to look but touching is another matter. I've wondered if there's as much of a stigma in the straight community, or if there'd be as much or more of a stigma if a 19 year old guy was dating a hot 38 year old woman. (I don't think I mentioned that my co-worker is a particularly young looking 38; if I were to cast him in a movie I'd probably go with Seth Meyers from SNL- so it could be jealousy since if I were to cast myself I'd probably go with Burl Ives .)

Now otoh, I don't have the slightest problem looking at male strippers who aren't much if any older than 19 anymore than most straight guys would mind looking at female strippers that age, but somehow that's different because... it just is.

Seacrest out.
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Old 05-17-2004, 12:48 PM
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I'm with Phlosphr. This does not seem like a smart career move. It may not technically be against the rules, but does he really want to be known as "that creepy prof who sleazes on students"? And he will be known as that.
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  #17  
Old 05-17-2004, 01:06 PM
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I'm a 38 year old guy. Usually, I pursue/date women who are between their early 30s and early 40s. Saturday, I had a date with a woman who is 40.

Although I don't think I could date someone who is 19, I can understand how such a relationship could happen. I've never been married, so parts of my life are in an arrested stage of development. I've got the material belongings and maybe the maturity of somebody in their 30s, but because I never got married or had children, my social life resembles someone who is just out of college. In a way, I can identify very closely with someone who is in their late teens or early 20s. If I was with someone who was college-aged, I wouldn't feel that we didn't share a similar set of experiences.

The tricky thing to being a never married single guy in your 30s is that you may think a woman who is actually in your age group is much older ... not that she looks like she's in her 50s, but just too old for you. I'm finding that as I get older, I have a much more difficult time estimating a woman's age. It's hard to conceptualize that a woman your age would have two teenage kids, or be driving a minivan.
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  #18  
Old 05-17-2004, 01:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YoudNeverGuess
Point taken but the point I'm making is that it's much less likely to be a level playing field emotionally between the two when the guy is 15-20 years older. I do believe that at later ages gaps are less relevant but there is generally a huge difference in maturity/ life experience between a 38 year old man and a 19 year old girl.
May-December attractions have their risks and downsides, but generally speaking, acquaintance rape isn't one of them. Most college-age women who are drugged and raped, are drugged and raped by their generational peers, frequently by fellow students. What your sister endured was a horrible crime, but it wasn't part of a larger general pattern of older men slipping roofies into younger women's drinks. It was far more the exception than the rule.
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  #19  
Old 05-17-2004, 01:31 PM
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Originally Posted by elmwood
I've never been married, so parts of my life are in an arrested stage of development.
I guess I don't see a lot of evidence to back any claim that people get more mature, interesting, or insightful as they age. They seem to become less bouncy and less hyper, but the same stunning immaturity hangs around for life. An older person has more opportunity to become educated; however, an older person also has more opportunity to become enlsaved to intellectual blinders. I'd rather be with an intellectually curious 19 year old than 34 year old habitual thinker.

I would also suggest that before one complains, one should produce a pool of age appropriate candidate mates that demonstrates the availability of viable romance candidates. If similar age is such a selling point, why didn't the offending gentleman make the obvious choice to date a woman his age?
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  #20  
Old 05-17-2004, 01:31 PM
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When I attended college, I felt far too young to be pursued by the professor who was interested in me. (I was about nineteen years old, myself.) I hid behind trees whenever I thought I saw him across the green. Ended up leaving that college due to my discomfort. If he'd been even five years younger, I wouldn't have felt so weirded out. And he was only in his mid-thirties.

The age difference does bother me, and I'd probably try to convince any friend of mine who was dating a much older man or woman to move on to someone younger. But that's not from any rational thought process, only my singular bad experience.
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  #21  
Old 05-17-2004, 01:50 PM
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My wife and I got married when I was 38 and she was 18. We met on the internet. We have been married almost four years now, and have two children.

Many people who don't know us are scandalized by this. But the two of us get along very well because of compatability in maturity levels, interests and priorities. We discussed the age difference at the beginning of our internet relationship and decided that it didn't matter. We conversed by IM, e-mail and telephone for seven months before deciding that we should meet face to face. We got married ten months after we met. We get happier every day.

In my experience, relationships run into trouble when there is a maturity gap or a large difference in mindset or priorities. If a relationship begins with a physical attraction, there is always the risk of it failing because that is a very superficial way to start things off. How many of you have noted after a few weeks that the other person is "attractive but ________" and been disappointed?

Was I looking for young flesh? No. Was she looking for a daddy? No. Are people who say these things looking for a justification to look down on a relationship they don't understand? Yes.
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  #22  
Old 05-17-2004, 02:00 PM
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I know a 40/19 relationship.

It's a little odd, but they are very much in love.

He's got a mental disorder (bipolar, maybe) and she seems to keep him calm.
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  #23  
Old 05-17-2004, 04:04 PM
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DISCLAIMER: I am 28, not 18, so my experience may not be comparable.

I have two (female) friends my age who are in relationships with men in their fifties. It was all a bit oogy for me to begin with but I'm really getting used to it.

Both men have daughters nearly the age of their partners (extra-oogy!), but both daughters and partners seem quite happy with the arrangement.

I've met both men in question: they are plain-looking middle-aged men, with ordinary incomes and regular lives. They are not rich hunks, or pedophiles, or creepy, or any of those things.

I remember when the one friend told me she had met someone. She was starry-eyed and wobbly, and on about this guy who made her laugh, and who was fun and interesting, who really understood her, and generally knocked her off her feet. The thing is, she went on to say, he's in his fifties.

We were all quite shocked. Her main concern was with 'what people might think.'

The thing that seems to really bother both of them about the age gap is the whole 'starting a family' issue - when you are at that stage when you might want to start having kids, and your life partner has already raised a family and isn't prepared (physically, emotionally, spiritually) to raise another one, what do you do?
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  #24  
Old 05-17-2004, 04:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sampiro
My 38 year old friend/co-worker is dating a 19 year old... thoughts?
I'm curious to see what others think:
thinking ...

"Lucky bastard"
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  #25  
Old 05-17-2004, 05:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anaxagoras
thinking ...

"Lucky bastard"

Well, I think that goes without saying- it's only natural to be physically drawn to a sexy 19 year old, but that's why the Lord made American Express and the term "Personal Services". I'm not just saying that either: it's in the Bible in the Book of Laotians or Lactations or somewhere. ;j
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  #26  
Old 05-17-2004, 06:14 PM
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I see no issue here. Might be it won't last long, but then? Short lived relationship happen all the time. Is he motivated primarily by lust? Maube. And then? Plenty of men and woman are when they choose a partner. Might be someone will get hurt. But then? Romances end with someone getting hurt all the time. Is the girl more likely to be hurt than the guy? Doesn't seem obvious to me. She can very well leave him for a younger mate tomorrrow. I would actually suspect it's more likely than the other way around. And maybe it will last. One of my colleagues had been happily married with a man 20 years older than her (she was 20, he was 40) for twenty years.


If they're satisfied with their choice, that's great for them. I can't see the point in trying to spoil their romance and/or lust. What I would say? I don't know...That I'm pleased to know he met a woman he's happy with, perhaps?
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  #27  
Old 05-17-2004, 06:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sampiro
Well, I think that goes without saying- it's only natural to be physically drawn to a sexy 19 year old, but that's why the Lord made American Express and the term "Personal Services".
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Old 05-17-2004, 06:43 PM
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If Sampiro put more thought into that, someone could've made a nifty "Jews love Chinese!" joke.

Shame.
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  #29  
Old 05-17-2004, 07:05 PM
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Professionally, I'm going to say that it wouldn't really fly at my institution. There's no policy involved, but the professor would definitely be looked down upon by his colleagues (and probably with some secret envy, too, but whatever). A couple of years ago, there was some talk that maybe there would be a policy, and we put some off-the-record feelers out to the faculty, and while reaction was mixed about a professor dating a grad student, it was nearly unaminous that undergrads should be off-limits.

Personally, I'm going to go with "none of your business." I confess that my initial reaction was "Oogy!" but hey, neither of them are dating me. I know a couple, friends of friends sort of thing, that have a comparable age difference -- he is an older professional gentleman, she married him after her high school graduation. Despite my first response, they have been married for a few years now and as far as I know, they are very happy. Go figure.
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Old 05-17-2004, 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Giraffe
It was a joke. (Discover gives cash back.)
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  #31  
Old 05-17-2004, 09:22 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sampiro
It was a joke. (Discover gives cash back.)
That's better. I'm all like "escorts take American Express? Yeah, right! At least not the ones under the freeway overpass!"
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  #32  
Old 05-17-2004, 09:26 PM
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Besides, it's not like you can tell people that are in the infatuation stage that their relationship is wrong. Like he's gonna say "Oh my God, I never thought of it that way!" and run to break up with her.
The heart wants what it wants, what are ya gonna do?
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  #33  
Old 05-17-2004, 09:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sampiro
I'm curious to see what others think: if you had friends in this type of relationship, would you think "She's a BABY!" or would you think "one can't control where the heart will lead"? 1.3239 pennies for your thoughts.
Er...both? When I was 23 I had a really nice co-worker that was 37, and I eventually decided that though he was interesting- and was flirty- we didn't have enough in common to pursue him. Not to mention him being closer to my mom's age (she was 20 when I was born) than mine probably wouldn't have gone over well with the family... I can see how she'd be attracted to him, and vice versa, but I have a harder time imagining it working out. They're both grown ups though, so whatever they want is their business.
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  #34  
Old 05-17-2004, 11:05 PM
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I just turned 38 and have been seeing a beautiful and vibrant woman of 27.
With an eleven-year difference, I sometimes will refer to things that she's never even heard of. It doesn't phase me, but I would think that would happen just about all the time with a 19 year old.

BTW, a (female) friend of mine has a formula. If a guy dates a girl who is less than [(1/2 * his age) + 7] it is, by definition, "icky." At least that's what she tells me. The relationship in the OP doesn't pass this particular metric.
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Old 05-18-2004, 12:24 AM
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I really can't say much for rationale, and even my own opinion is rather clouded (more by the student-teacher dimension than the age difference. Things would somehow feel different if they met at a club or something).

But I can say that a professor I have had for three classes recently told me the story of meeting his wife. He was the professor, she was an undergrad in his class. He was probably 45-50 at the time. That was twenty years ago. Somehow the 70-40 age difference doesn't seem as bad as the 50-20, even if I can't imagine any such thing for myself.
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  #36  
Old 05-18-2004, 12:58 AM
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The age thing is purely societal. If he doesn't care what other people think (and there will be a lot of them who will look at this thing with sidelong glances), he can go right ahead.

But he needs to know that it ain't going to last. A nineteen-year-old student isn't done growing up yet.

Also, tell him to watch the movie Election. It's a good flick.*




*As I finished typing this, I just realized the pun — which only people who have seen the movie will even "get."
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  #37  
Old 05-18-2004, 01:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YoudNeverGuess
The point is that these affairs break up more often than stick together in the long run, and when affairs break up someone nearly always gets hurt no matter what we would like to believe.
Very, very true. And yet, relationships in general break up more often than stick together, and people get hurt. If we're concerned about people getting hurt, we ought to disapprove of all dating.

My initial reaction is that the professor is preying on naive college girls...but that's not necessarily true. The girl could be more mature than the professor, and is just as likely to hurt him as to get hurt herself. It really depends on the people involved. If a 19 year old girl was dating a 20 year old guy, no one would bat an eye, because we'd all trust the 19 year old girl to be able to make her own choices...and there's nothing about dating a 38 year old guy that makes her suddenly incapable of looking out for herself.

Pretty much anything goes as long as both parties are honest with each other about their intentions and feelings. If they both want to quench their libidos, good for them. If they both want to marry, then good for them. If they both want different things, then they'll have to suffer through that just like anyone else, regardless of age differences.
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  #38  
Old 05-18-2004, 01:51 AM
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my thoughts? as crass as they may be...

...nail her to the mattress and don't get too attached.
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  #39  
Old 05-18-2004, 02:24 AM
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Lucky guy!
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  #40  
Old 05-18-2004, 02:57 AM
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FWIW, my parents met at 22 & 40. Dad had been married before and although separated for some time, was not yet divorced. He had a daughter (well, her parentage was always under debate) who lived with her mom. The daughter married very young.

They met at night school, during a smoke break. After dating for as few weeks, Mom told him to go get divorced or forget it. He disappeared for several months and came back, papers in hand. He eventually moved into the house as a boarder. The place he was in at the time was pretty crappy and Mom just hauled him home. That wasn't really unusual. My mom was still at home, living with my grandmother and two uncles. They'd had several boarders before. Dad had the upstairs room while Mom stayed in her own. Their engagement ended up lasting for four years until one night they decided to just go for it, hunted up a minister and did the deed. I was born a year and three months later. They never did move into their own house. My uncles married and moved on and Dad just took over as the man of the house.

The marriage lasted until Dad passed away twenty-seven years later. It was mostly okay although Dad's health gave out and Mom developed some issues. That's a whole other post. The other thing besides the age thing was that Dad, although very well built, was about 5'4" and Mom was just shy of 5'11". You can imagine the looks they got!

Anyway, I don't think the situation with the 19 and 38yo couple is all that oogy. Here's at least one example of it working out fairly well. Of course, they were dating in the Fifties and I suspect the cultural differance wasn't so great in those days. Things hadn't changed so much between her teens and his.
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  #41  
Old 05-18-2004, 07:47 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Giraffe
That's better. I'm all like "escorts take American Express? Yeah, right! At least not the ones under the freeway overpass!"
Actually the higher quality ones (i.e. "room service" at hotels or those who work out of their home) really do accept Credit Cards and bill them under innocuous charges. I can honestly say that I know this not because I've used such services (I couldn't afford them if I wanted to- something like $350 per hour) but because they advertise in gay papers in Atlanta and all over the net. (There's nothing illegal about "escort" agencies since you're just paying for the person's time... and if you just happen to have sex like consenting adults during that time... consquently there's hardly ever a prostitution bust other than for street hustlers in many city.)
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  #42  
Old 05-18-2004, 12:33 PM
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My own experience...when I met my husband I had just turned 20 years old. He
turned 40 a couple of weeks after I met him. I was coming out of a disaster of a marriage (I'd married my first husband at a very young age) & I had a 1 year
old daughter.
Twenty-five years later, we are still together...we've been married for almost 18
years. We heard all of the negative comments when we first started seeing
each other. And to be honest, I did think about the age difference...but not for
very long. We fell in love and, as corny as it sounds, I just KNEW it was right.
My daughter has always considered her stepfather to be her Dad.
We've had our ups & downs, of course, but that's true for all relationships.
So, relationships with big age differences CAN work.
I guess that each situation has it's own unique details and it's unfair to paint
them all with the same broad brush.
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  #43  
Old 05-18-2004, 01:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sampiro
I think part of my revulsion is being gay: middle aged gay guys (and for the purposes of this I'll count myself [I'm 37] as middle aged) who go after teens (I'm not talking ephebophiles, but 18+) are pretty much universally reviled as "chicken hawks"- it's fine to look but touching is another matter.
Bing! I was wondering if this was going to end up as the root of this. The gay community has really suffered from the whole "chicken hawk" thing. The anti-gays have been extremely effective at using the "threat to youth" bullshit so it's not surprising that it would carry over in how you as a gay man look at any older-younger relationship.
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  #44  
Old 05-18-2004, 06:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by YoudNeverGuess
And yeah there's nothing much you can do about it other than express disapproval...

Disaproval about what? Being AWESOME!!
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  #45  
Old 05-18-2004, 08:10 PM
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Originally Posted by msmith537
Disaproval about what? Being AWESOME!!
Huh?
Even though I agree in principal that two adults should be able to date whoever they like, this situation of a professor dating a student I think is not a wise move. These types of relationships are often a bit of a novelty for both parties in the beginning but will often fizzle out after a time.

In general, older men dating young girls grosses me out somewhat although I don't feel the same about older women dating young guys, for some reason it just doesn't rate as high on the sleaze scale.
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  #46  
Old 05-18-2004, 08:48 PM
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[totally irrelevant and nitpicky hijack]Anaxagoras, your sig (Omnia Mihi Lingua Graeca Sunt) is grammatically incorrect. It would be fine if 'lingua' were neuter, but it's not. 'Lingua' is feminine. The correct version is 'Omnes Mihi Linguae Graecae Sunt'. Still love it, though! (I think I may join the clique of Dopers with Latin sigs soon)[/totally irrelevant and nitpicky hijack]
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  #47  
Old 05-18-2004, 08:49 PM
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My daughter will be 19 in September. If she came home with a 38-y/o boyfriend, I can see myself having a very difficult time with it. Yes, she's of age and no, it's not my place to choose who she can and can't date. But I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be very worried about such a relationship.

As she heads off to college 900 miles or so from where I'll be living, this is just the sort of thing I don't need preying on my mind.

*sigh*
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  #48  
Old 05-23-2004, 11:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sampiro
I work at a small liberal arts college. I have a co-worker with whom I'm work chums (we're not bosom buddies but we like each other at work- I'm sure you've had one). He ended a long-term relationship last year (non live-in) and I was glad when he said he'd met someone who really "did it for him"- bright, vivacious, intellectual and, I just learned when I met her- 19 years old. She's a student at the college where we work. (He's technically a professor but he's non-teaching, so she's not ever going to be in any of his classes, so that's not an issue.)

Hmmm... she's certainly cute and seems really nice, but I can't get over the age difference. I'm not going to say anything to him or her about it because it's none of my business, but it majorly bothers me (two levels: he's still a professor and she's still a student even if the college doesn't have a dating ban [unless students are in the professor's class] and the fact that she's by some definitions a minor and he's closing in on middle age]). I'm curious to see what others think: if you had friends in this type of relationship, would you think "She's a BABY!" or would you think "one can't control where the heart will lead"? 1.3239 pennies for your thoughts.
Reminds me of a thread I started about one of my neighbors except of course he was just our 38 year old friend but not trying to date us...as long as your 18 age difference doesn't matter. That's why I'm going to try to snag me a 18-21 year old when I'm like 50,, it will keep me young.
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  #49  
Old 05-23-2004, 11:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by burundi
I'm with Phlosphr. This does not seem like a smart career move. It may not technically be against the rules, but does he really want to be known as "that creepy prof who sleazes on students"? And he will be known as that.
I agree. When I was in college, we had a "creepy prof who sleazes on students". He was actually married to a former student, and it was his affair with this student that had led to his divorce from his first wife. This happened several years before I began college, but everyone knew the story and everyone said that even with his younger second wife he was still doing his best to pursue barely-legal tail.

I never had class with this professor so it may be that stories of his sleaziness were greatly exaggerated, but that's part of the point. People talk, and college girls in particular like to gossip. Even if this would otherwise be a perfectly nice, normal relationship, he is risking his professional reputation.
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  #50  
Old 05-24-2004, 06:40 AM
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My first husband was 28 years my senior. We divorced after 5 years of misery (aka adultery on his part).

Though I appreciated having a more mature partner with whom I could discuss things, his expectations and demands were beyond me. This lead to physical and mental abuse. On top of this, he was cheating with other women.

He thought things were fine - he had a young wife at home, working and cleaning. He was out carousing and doing his own thing. He got the stability at home he wanted. I got the short end of the stick.

My opinion, speaking from experience... May start out happy, but it probably will not last.

Besides, can she really put up with constantly being asked her "dad"?
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