Dating a Man with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)

dating a man with bpd

It’s time to bring this article about dating a man with BPD up to speed. It’s 2016 and the speed at which things change in our society is enormous.

It’s gotten so crazy to the point where a lot of online advice encourages men to act like sociopaths and narcissists because “it’s what women are attracted to.

Now that’s not to say that this is what’s going on with your boyfriend at all. BPD is a serious disorder and it’s important to not forget this.

However, it’s equally important that we approach this issue by removing the BPD label. It’s important that we tackle the most common symptoms one by one.

In this article about men with BPD, we’ll tackle the 5 most common symptoms you’ll experience – and what to do about it.

Before you get into the meat of this article, I want you to grab this free report I just made. You’ll see the link below.

It’s important because it’s all about the #1 mistake women make in relationship, which is this:

You’re allowing poor behavior, which as a result creates more poor behavior.

It’s a cycle that never ends, and gets worse and worse as the relationship continues. A downward spiral.

So I do recommend you grab this report, even if you’re a girl reading this. Both men and women who get hurt in relationships tend to make this mistake without even knowing it.

Signed up? Great. It’ll go to your email address so you can read it later.

Keep it secret. Keep it safe! – Gandalf the Grey (or is it Gray?).

The Past Shapes Our Behavior

Before we get into the 5 common BPD issues, I first want to quickly talk about how the past influences behavior.

Not just for the Borderline you have feelings for, but for all of us. Who we are today is a direct result of our upbringing.

And unless we actively and consciously work towards goals to change ourselves, we’ll remain the same man or woman until our death beds.

I want to stress how important it is for you to understand that we’re all unique individuals. While he may have BPD, it’s not like you can expect that general treatments will work on him.

Maybe he has more issues with trust. Or maybe he’s the jealous type. Perhaps he can’t help but stare at every girl walking by. Or maybe he has an addictive personality and can’t let go of the bottle.

My point is that you’ll often find one of these above issues to be more extreme than the others (which can still play a big role in his present day personality).

Controlling your emotions is another extremely difficult task as well because all these negative experiences growing up has festered over the years into some deep darkness.

So again, it’s important to take note of the individual symptoms and issues that are the most prevalent. These are what you focus on moving forward.

One of the most important lessons I learned when it comes to leadership is that you prioritize tasks.

What this means is that you do not spread yourself thin. In a business, this is crucial because the more tasks you try to accomplish, the more spread out your resources become.

This leads to inefficient work flow, lack of communication with team members and those on the front lines, mediocre products instead of high quality ones, and overall a loss in revenue.

When it comes to your relationship, you need to prioritize these symptoms. Which symptom is it that you believe to be the one that needs the most work? The one that you want the most answers for?

Choose which issue is most important and go from there. It’s why my BPD Relationship Blueprint product has 18 sections of knowledge so that you can take what you need and apply it to your unique situation.

Read these articles to further your education:

  • Respect Helps BPD Relationships – by focusing on your own levels of self-respect, you’ll not only feel better about yourself, but your boyfriend will appreciate you and work harder to improve himself and the relationship.
  • Controlling Your Emotions – you must make sure you have great control over your emotions. If you continue to react to all the irrational behavior thrown your way, you’re only going to further damage the relationship.

1. Insecurity and Self-Esteem Issues

People and their relationships usually have some sort of pattern. If you look at your own relationship history, you will probably notice a pattern of dating the same type of men.

For men with BPD, this pattern isn’t going to be as simple as ‘he only dates women with brown hair.’

Instead, the pattern to look for is going to be more like ‘he only dates women who wear their hearts on their shoulders and fall in love quickly.’

As I always say, you attract what you project.

Or in other words, you will always end up dating someone who shares a similar belief system and mentality as you.

On the surface, you might both be leading different lives. But on the inside, you both have similar insecurities and mindsets and what not – at least, this is what you are lead to believe.

You see, people who are insecure and have self-esteem issues like to wear a mask. They don’t like who they really are, so they put on a mask when they meet people. When he met you.

He might appear to be charming, dashing and have dozens of women chasing him. But when that masks comes off, you experience who he really is.

This is why I often advise men and women with Codependency issues to steer clear of the Honeymoon Period. If you fall for men easily, you’ll find yourself falling in love with a man wearing a mask.

Because these men tend to be insecure, they’ll pull out all the charm and seduction games to woo you over for several weeks or months. But eventually they can’t keep up the charade.

Eventually, the truth comes out and you realize you fell in love with a false persona.

Here’s an article I suggest you check out:

  • What to look for in a man – these are the 7 qualities that I believe women should look for in a man. If your man is lacking most of these, then he may be too much to handle…

2. Over-Reacts and Assumes

One of the most common problems you’ll come across with your BPD man is that he’ll overreact to anything you say.

This happens with both Borderline men and women. You constantly feel like you’re walking on egg shells because anything you say gets thrown out of proportion and received negatively.

What’s going on here?

Well, let me first start by defining the 3 types of individuals that people tend to be:

The first person is the weak, Codependent-type. Whenever they receive any sort of criticism or feedback, they take it negatively and either get defensive or shy away.

The next person is the strong, confident, self-assured type. They receive feedback and criticism objectively – they don’t take it personally. It doesn’t result in arguments, and they continue about their day unscathed.

The third type of person is one who goes on the offensive when he receives criticism. He takes it personally and instead of shying away, he will start a fight, flip things around and assume that you’re attacking him.

Both the defensive man and the offensive man are weak. It’s just that one type is codependent and shy’s away, while the other type is aggressive and starts pouring gasoline on the fire.

I recently was helping out a woman on my Relationship Roadmap coaching forum and she wanted help with a man who kept getting critical and aggressive any time she brought up basic relationship suggestions or questions or advice – anything.

Looking into the issue, it was a simple case of her man overreacting and assuming the worst. But she was also making the mistake of getting defensive and walking on egg shells.

So I simply told her that she needs to approach the problem with him objectively – she needs to point out the fact that he’s always assuming and that’s his big issue.

She completely overlooked this because he kept attacking her. She took it personally and would become defensive.

If your man is always assuming things, then remember to take a step back and look at the argument from an objective point of view. The answer could lie right their on the surface.

Check this article out:

  • 5 Truths About Love – most people don’t understand what love really is. Check this article out and use these these to see if your relationship really is about love.

3. Controlling and Critical of You

Because men with BPD had a rough upbringing, they usually compensate for this by becoming overly controlling.

This is often why these types of men end up dating women who are rather weak and Codependent. Don’t take this personally as I’m just letting you know how it is.

But women who are self-assured, strong, independent and think highly of themselves don’t fall for the charms and good looks of these men.

I’ve been coaching women for several years and it’s always the Codependent-type of women who are easily controlled that fall for these types of men.

Again, don’t take this personally. It’s just important for you to realize this. Perhaps you like to be controlled and told what to do.

Women in general like men who take control, who are leaders and make decisions.

However, this can become toxic when that man is trying to control parts of your life. When he’s manipulating you and criticizing your every move, are you continuing to shy away and just take it?

If so, then you have fallen into this victim mentality. Every time you talk to your friends about your relationship, you’re talking about it as if you’re the victim.

The only person responsible for becoming a victim is you and you alone. It’s easy to blame your partner for this, but at the end of the day, it’s your life.

Refer to point #2 above to gain insights into dealing with these issues from an objective point of view.

Here’s an article that may interest you:

  • It’s Okay to be Single – being single is okay. Sometimes it’s the healthier option for you. I would rather be single than in a toxic relationship and I want you to understand that this is okay.

4. Lack of Commitment

Here’s where you need to once again take responsibility for your actions…

Are you pursuing a man who’s currently in another relationship? Possibly married?

If that’s the case, then don’t worry because you’re not alone. Many women come to me with situations just like this.

And my advice is always the same: don’t pursue men who are unavailable. Period.

I know it’s tough because he’s just so damn charming and communicated with you so well. He’s just got the bad boy charm that you can’t resist.

But believe me – this is going to end worse for you than for him. In all my years of helping women, I’ve yet to see a woman actually end up with an unavailable man. It just doesn’t work well for the woman.

And then she’s upset because she spent a lot of her time pursuing this unavailable man.

So you really need to ask yourself this question: why is it that you’re even interested in men who are unavailable in the first place?

Perhaps you had a parent who was unavailable to you? Only you can figure out this answer. All I can do is guide you to this emotional freedom, which is the purpose of my training programs.

Follow my golden rule: never commit or invest in someone who isn’t giving it back to you. You wouldn’t invest in a company that isn’t bringing you returns, right? It’s no different in relationships.

5. Compulsive Lying

This last point is a big one because it goes much beyond just men with BPD…

People from all walks of life can be compulsive liars. And you know what? I don’t let it bother me in my day to day life. Why?

Because I don’t put much weight on the words of men and women. Both men and women like to stretch the truth and say things that aren’t really true.

I pay attention to the only thing that really matters: Actions.

When it comes to words, you should always remind your self that they are weak. They’re hot air. They’re silly most of the time.

I interact with a lot of women. I know that 90% of what she says is a test to throw me off my game. I carry a strong, alpha-type personality and women just love throwing me jabs.

But they know that I love it. That’s why they do it. So I’ve trained myself over the years to know that words are fun. I can’t take them personally or I might get defensive. It’s much more fun to jab back and forth.

For you, if you know that your man is lying to you and not giving you the full truth, don’t fall into the trap of assuming things. After all, he’ll probably get hella accusatory and offensive.

Liars eventually get found out. If you know for a fact your man is lying, just leave. Don’t give him any benefit of the doubt. Ignore him for a couple of weeks so that he can really feel that sting.

It’s important that you take this seriously. If you stick around with a man that you know is lying with you, then you are enabling him to continue this bad behavior. And that isn’t cool!

Leave before he can leave you. It sends the strongest message possible because indifference is the opposite of love – not hate.

Don’t take him back until he’s begging for you.

Conclusion

Remember that ultimately these types of men have their own unique issues that stem back from their own unique upbringing.

These guys have a lot of commitment issues. They can be charming in the beginning, but compulsive liars as well.

And one more point I want to mention: don’t be his mother.

Don’t be doing his laundry. Don’t be cleaning up his messes. Don’t take on these codependent roles.

It’s nice every once in a while, but don’t let it become a habit. He’ll never learn and grow if you constantly bail him out. I’ve seen it happen time and time again.

Take the 5 points I talked about above and see which ones apply most directly to your current situation. Prioritize and tackle one point at a time.

Here’s a link to the free report again. Just click the orange button below and I’ll send it to ya. I can’t stress how important it is for you to be aware of this common issue.

100% FREE PDF REPORT DOWNLOAD

THE #1 MISTAKE THAT SENDS BPD RELATIONSHIPS TO THE GRAVE

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Comments

  1. Puzzled says:

    Rick,
    I’ve fallen for a guy with BPD whom I knew for 4 years professionally. We had the 3 week honeymoon period when we started the romantic aspect of our relationship, it’s been wonderful, very intense and I was actually the one nslowing things down a bit (he was already on the ‘I want you to be the mother of my children’ path) but the moment I responded to his feelings towards me, reassuring him that I’m actually into him too, he became emotionless, silent, cold, stand-offish and within the space of 6 hours we were done. He said a lot of mean things but was not raging in a typical sense, not yelling etc. I messaged him the next day saying that I’m sorry if I upset him, thanking him for those 3 weeks and reassuring him that our professional relationship will be fine despite this. He responded that the 3 weeks have been amazing and said he is not worried about our professional connection and is glad I feel the same way. I still dont know over what he has shut the relationship down, no explanation but I didn’t ask for one, keeping my head high despite being really hurt over it (things were going great after all and I do have feelings towards him). He then engaged with me in a group chat conversation 3-4 days later, nothing personal and same day messaged me privately wishing
    Luck to my sister (who he met once year ago) for an event she was attending. This was weird so I just responded saying Thanks. After that he messaged couple of more times on the group chat and some of the messages were a direct response to what I have written or directed at me. I have read some of your articles and advice online and then decided that it’s not a good idea to chat to him in any form so I stopped partaking in the group chat, even when he directed a message at me (a question for me). That was yesterday. Today he messaged me directly, wishing me luck for my upcoming trip (he thought I’m leaving today). I didn’t respond. I like him a lot and would like to give this a try but am puzzled on what the best course of action is. I’ve always been with relatively mature men and never had a situation where someone would go from being great and very in love to hell in a space of 6 hours, with no explanation or discussion about it afterwards, and then message me as if Nothing happened and we’re mates. What’s the best move now? Shall I stay with NC or respond? Please help and direct me to the right resources (does your bed relationship blueprint have an advice for my situation, broken up bpd relationship?). I agree with what I have read on your site about investing in oneself, your own emotional growth etc and I’ve been doing that for years now, hence I’d like to hear what you think of this situation. I’m puzzled.

  2. Henry mulligan says:

    Hi Rick,

    I’ve just been diagnosed with BPD and ocpd. There’s a few narcissistic traits but nothing too major. My BPD IS REALLY BAD. I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year and a half now, but my jealousy about her past has got worse and worse. The thing is, she’s a good girl, nothing slutty. I know this and understand it logically, but cannot accept or feel it. I get constant intrusive thoughts…. i.e how could she sleep with him on the first date? how could they be so innocent intention wise and trust each other after one night? how could their be no judgement? how could the sex have been awkward and rubbish and quick when I only know great sex? how can she say it wasn’t a big deal? Events thereafter prove the truth as he continued to talk to her and only distance prevented them from meeting again, though he’d bought her presents and asked to meet up (shed moved on by the point). So why do I still get these thoughts and use them for splitting? I don’t get why it’s such a big deal to me and need her reassurance of the truth so often (a typical rage session of splitting) He’s also on tour sometimes as a backing musician which perhaps alleviates my false delusions. I really need some help with this.

    • Honestly, if I was dating a girl that had a relationship with a touring musician, I’d be fearful as well lol. The answer to your question is just that lack of trust. These thoughts run through everybody’s head, don’t feel like you’re all alone here. Nobody likes hearing about the past of their partner. This is why it’s best to let the past be the past and don’t ask questions such as “How many people have you slept with?” I would never ask a girl I was dating that question because I don’t want to know! I’m a recovered borderline so I know what you’re talking about. My solution is to just let the past be the past and move on.

      Now if she’s still texting him and they’re talking “just friends” then I would get concerned…

  3. Kassie says:

    I recently unofficially started seeing a guy with BPD who I’d been friends with for years and we were taking things slow as he wanted but I foolishly took advice from someone I shouldn’t have – she said I needed to push not wait and it backfired instead of commitment he’s backed off completely I only just found out that was playing us off against each other to make sure we didn’t get together but he doesn’t know this I only just managed to keep our friendship he’s now saying he’s gonna stay single permanently how do I move forward to getting him back to where we were before I listened to her advice and this time take things as slowly as he wants as I do love him and he does have feelings for me as he made the initial advances by flirty texts…I don’t know how to get him back without causing more problems

    • Sounds like quite an emotional type of reaction from a man. Are you sure you’d want someone like this as a partner? The minute you do anything wrong, he’s pushing you away and such? You can’t let people control you like this. If he’s going to push you away, you need to let him know that it’s not cool. Don’t reward bad behavior, I talk about this in my free ebook.

      • Kassie says:

        The so-called ‘friend’ manipulated us both and played us off against each other and because of his BPD he tends to be insecure which she knew I only just found out he told her that he wanted us to move in together even now if he plans to come to mine just to talk as friends she’ll find a way to stop him usually by using her kids(they’re not his). Before we got together we were best friends but thanks to her he decided he wanted us to go back to being friends and she’s even trying to ruin that. He was supposed to be moving to a flat near me s we could go slow before he moved in but just before he moved in he got a phone call from a place near her that he’d already been turned down for but those same reasons still exist and any progress I make she manages to undo by playing with his head and making his BPD worse.

  4. Jasmine says:

    I’ve been in an “unofficial” relationship with this guy I’m really close friends with for a few years now. He has borderline personality disorder and it’s been a challenge dealing with it but I have been committed to handling it with care and understanding. It’s hard to stay mad at him when he messes up so I wonder if I’ve rewarded bad behavior more than I should have. I know it’s not good to do so at all though so I’m guessing more than once already puts me in a bad place. I feel like I’m waiting around for him to finally make things “official” as far as a commitment goes. We have deep feelings for each other, live with each other, support each other in tons of ways, travel together and more. He told me that he doesn’t feel ready to have a label put on it and doesn’t feel it’s necessary to conform to what people traditionally do because titles don’t really mean much but actions do. He also feels that because he’s mentally unstable and has unresolved trauma from his family/upbringing he’s not ready for the official girlfriend/boyfriend relationship label. But almost everything about us says we’re doing that but without the title. Our friends and family even consider us to be in that though we aren’t technically. I’m wondering what I should do? I think that maybe him seeking therapy and me seeking therapy to help with some of the lingering impact certain traumas have had on my life seem necessary. But other than that, I don’t know what to do. I’m wondering if we should just call it quits because we want different things / he doesn’t seem to be able to give me what I want. I don’t want to be blocking deeper possibilities for a love that may serve me better. I know that love isn’t easy and we all come to it imperfect, with our own issues but I feel like there’s gotta be something better than this. I love him though. I really do.

    • Nah therapy isn’t necessary. He’s just not ready to commit, simple as that. You either gotta wait until he’s ready, or ‘break up’ with him to make him take you more seriously. Good luck!

      • Jasmine says:

        Thanks. I have to think about how I’d “break up” with him. I don’t think I can continue waiting–with where my life is going these days. The breaking up part is something I haven’t been able to figure out, and maybe am a little fearful to do which is problematic for a number of reasons, I know.

        • Nobody ever gets anywhere in life by waiting. You either got to push harder (which often backfires) or quit and try something new (which is what I usually recommend).

  5. Linda says:

    I don’t know if my boyfriend has BPD or not but I kind of suspect he does with a history of suicidality, adhd problems, depression, anxiety etc. He also has major trust issues. We’ve almost been dating two years and have yet to have sex. It is becoming so hard lately. He told me his ex gf of 4 years cheated on him and that I was the first person he told. Sometimes I don’t believe him but then again it makes sense I guess. So I assume this could lead to his hesitation. I’m trying hard to keep it together but I’m wondering if he’ll be better off with someone else. He does get anxious easily and he’s usually always had a gf which makes me think he can’t be alone, but I also think he is the one. I’ve brought up the sex issue a couple times but nothing has changed. I don’t know how much longer I can take it but I really do love him.

    • 2 years is crazy, surprised you’ve stuck out that long. I think you just have to make a decision here. I don’t really know what to say as I’m a man and I definitely wouldn’t be in a relationship with no sex. So yeah…

  6. Hi Rick,
    I’ve been exclusively dating a girl for a few months before going on a trip away. As i told her i was going away she pulled back which in turn made me automatically respond by nurturing her too much. Shes a very independent girl who is social and outgoing. I called her out for being on online dating sites when i returned and told her I’m moving on because clearly she’s not ready for a relationship. Anyway she’s told me she cares and is still interested in my life and wants to see me but isn’t really ready for a relationship. I’m surprised she’s still into me considering how pathetic i had been showing her way too much attention and trying to make things perfect. Any advice? Do i stick with my tough line of ending it or should i change my game and keep seeing her and see where we’re at in a few more months?

    • When a girl says she isn’t ready for a relationship, all that means is that she’s not ready for a relationship with you. If she meets the right guy tonight, she’ll lock him down immediately. So with that said, you are correct that you should stick with the tough line. Remember that relationships only work when a girl chases the man. It doesn’t work the other way anymore, not in this current feminized society.

  7. About 3 weeks ago my fiancé of over 10 years ended our relationship. I won’t go into great detail other than everything I’ve read about men with BPD fits him to a tee: severe depression, self loathing, thoughts of suicide, self harm, impulsive behavior, extreme shame and guilt, abusing drugs and alcohol etc. We were great together and he told me he knows “in his bones” that he should be happy, that he loves me, I’m awesome and I’m so good to him but he just can’t be happy. Now, he hadn’t been diagnosed with BPD but he’s recognized he needs help and is seeking therapy. He told me the other day that he hadn’t made up his mind about

    • That’s really too bad, but this problem falls on your shoulders as you chose to date a man like this. There’s plenty of nice, loyal, stable men out there who you could have dated these past 10 years. But you chose to commit to one of these dysfunctional males that does nothing but hurt others. So I really can’t sympathize with you. It’s like those beautiful girls who date assholes and wonder why they’re single and alone when they hit 30. All I can do is shake my head and say “I told you so”

      • Speakingmind says:

        I am sorry, but are you licensed, Rick? Someone who is licensed does NOT talk this way. She chose to date a man like this? Okay, even YOU said in your article that BPD might take time to discover–so it is hard to leave a man after dating for a year or more and already loving him. You didn’t want to give her advice, just criticism. Sounds like you have experienced rejection from a woman who wanted a “bad” boy over you–the “nice” boy…but you have clearly spoiled from rejection.
        To Jody: I would say to go on about your life…focus on being you–finding yourself. Most likely, being in this relationship has caused you to lose some of yourself. Focus on finding it and try to be supportive without allowing yourself to get too emotionally attached with this guy. And, I wish you luck, love, and prosperity.

        • LOL if a girl is going to choose an unavailable “bad” boy over a good guy, then she is going to have to suffer the consequences – just like a man who chooses to date a woman who has cheated on every guy she’s ever dated. It has nothing to do with being licensed or suffering from rejection or anything else. Life is about choices. When you make poor choices, especially when it comes to choosing a lover, you will suffer the consequences. But the real test is how you’ll pull yourself up after.

          • NownowRick says:

            @SPEAKINGMIND I agree with you completely. IMO Rick attempting to approach emotional issues so clinically screams intolerance and underlying issues of his own. I feel sad that whatever you have been through has formulated this black and white approach you seem to have towards life.

          • I’m not hear to make fans or make you happy. I just speak the truth. If you don’t like it, then go back to your bpd forums and whine with everybody else. You won’t be missed here.

          • Rinni says:

            This forum started off so well. . As I read on Ricks attitude and defensiveness is identical to my BPD hubby. In the beginning all charming and now dangerous. It sux because people I know with Bpd are really beautiful, empathic and caring. . But yeah there’s that very scary dangerous side that never goes away. Thou shalt not critisize, debate, have an opinion, or do/say anything that may appear to be rejection. . Because hell have no fury when the bpd feels insecure or threatened. . It’s time to go for a walk and not provoke this temporary 360 flip in personality.
            I wish that child abuse; emotional abuse & neglect were more serious when raised. As bpd is a common result of emotional abuse towards a child by their primary carer. These people should be charged, it’s disgusting what the bpd sufferer and their partners and their own children have to go through for the rest of their lives. And there is no cure. Admitting you have bpd/bpd traits is the only way you can recognise your behaivour and try and change it for the better. Like I said before most bpd are genuinely beautiful caring people, with bouts of insecure manic rages, that’s been caused from emotional abuse & neglect as a child. Look up ‘covert incest’ many a bpd have experienced this as a child. It’s so sad :(
            Sending love and healing angels to anyone affected by BPD.

          • Umm excuse me but if people are going to come into MY turf and insult me with their incorrect “facts” and ridiculous accusations, I will put them in their place. It’s called self-respect. I respect myself. I respect my work. When people take time out of their day to hate on the truth that I write, then I’ll obliterate them. Simple as that :)

  8. Naomi says:

    Hey Rick,
    So I got diagnosed with BPD a few years ago, and about a year ago I met and fell hard in love with a guy I believe has BPD… his mother committed suicide via hanging when he was younger and he found her, he was socially isolated in a school where he didn’t know the language everyone else was speaking, and had a dominating, over bearing, violent father figure who happily remarried after his mothers passing, he’s had a string of past violent relationships where he’s abused the woman until she’s left, he brags about it to others like he’s proud of driving women away as if they deserve it, but he’s admitted he feels ashamed he can’t make it work and that no one seems to understand him. He was very charming in the beginning of the relationship, doing everything to make me swoon and his friends frothed around trying to have sex with me because they are all heavy drug users and seedy (his choice of friends due to his constant abuse of alcohol, meth, heroin and cocaine to name a few substances). He was furiously jealous as a result, not even hiding his rage towards who were once his close and dear friends, driving out his house mate in an attempt to move me in with him immediately after only knowing him less than a month and being the first to say i love you to him, he was quick to show me he felt the same. But, that drug use and jealousy…. his rage fueled by fuck knows what, sometimes right in the middle of sex he would choke me to almost passing out, i was very strong in the neck cos i had fetish for it so he was surprised he couldnt just subdue me like the other girls, i fought him off and punched him in the eye so hard he got a black eye for a week and his friends and friends parents made light hearted fun at me getting one up on him, knowing what he was like. he seemed to be proud of it, letting me giggle about how he must have fallen down the steps and all these other cliche’ domestic violence bruise excuses. after this he seemed to want to please me alot, but every time he failed in some small way or act out i would blast him like a spastic bpd would (fuck why can’t i just control my goddamn tongue sometimes you know) and he would withdraw from me hardcore, but i can tell he still loved me but i was damaging him, but i didnt want to, he would message me late at night and say all this paranoid nasty shit to me that made me feel like a cheap slut who had no brain who fucked anyone who smiled at her, and it would make me retaliate, i knew why he did it but i couldnt stop my own behaviour even when i knew it would damage our relationship. time moves on, i lose my car from partying with him too much, he loses his rental and we stop talking for 3 months. i dont stop talking but he does, i tell him i love him and i miss him but there’s no answer. i decide to go over to his new house one day unannounced and it was scary as fuk cos he always talks me down in front of other ppl and i hate that shit and he knows it but i was stronger now and wanted to try again. hes living with his ex, working with his ex, says he’s not fucking or with his ex, and he loves me and wants me still. he never replies to my msgs after baiting my jealous rages. he comes back after a long time but watching me burn emotionally seems to give him pleasure. he tells me he enjoys reading them but never replies or sees me. help me man, i want him back. what can i do to make him want to come over more? there’s not much i’d deny him… but i also don’t act like a yes man like all his friends.

  9. Jalyn says:

    My boyfriend of 3 years recently broke up with me as well, he will break up with me all the time and then want to get back together.. This time was different because he said that he only gets back with me because he doesnt want to be alone. I have been searching online why men continuously break up and get back together with women and i came across this. It makes perfect sense and it sounds exactly like him. I learned so much that i was doing wrong and hopefully why it hasnt worked out in the past.. Now my problem is trying to get back together with him for good… Help

    • Hmm in my experience, it’s mostly the women breaking up with men and wanting to get back together lol. I would just avoid men that do this because there are plenty of great men who won’t do this to you. Just try dating a man of quality, okay? Avoid these low quality scum bags. Simple as that.

  10. Laura says:

    I just want to thank you for this article. I was with someone for awhile that all of this describes. He has BPD and claims some other issues as well. While I feel for him, it confounded me that he could treat me so badly out of the blue when I had been so nice. I have relatives with these disorders that have never taken me for granted like that. I just could not understand wth I did wrong. I’m guessing now the answer to that is truly nothing.
    For months I could only find articles where people with issues were calling the rest of the world the jerks for not understanding. I felt then that I was some kind of a jerk and basically wanted to kill myself. I figured I only had myself to blame for losing him.
    Lately I am seeing more articles where the suffering of family, friends, and partners is addressed, many of them written by people with disorders. But no matter who’s writing them, it needs to continue.
    You are helping all sides see the error of their ways and possibly saving lives.

    • Thanks for the kind words. I teach a completely different system than everybody else for one reason only: when you follow my system, people want to be a part of your world. So instead of trying to figure out what to say, what to do, etc. to get the relationship working, instead I teach you how to make yourself pretty amazing and desirable so your partner is subconsciously drawn towards you, wanting you for the long-haul. It’s way more efficient and quite frankly the only way to actually get results :)

  11. Christian lee says:

    Hi Rick,

    Firstly I was diagnosed with BPD 2 days ago. It was a relief to finally know why I was behaving and thinking the way I do. It’s easy for you as an outsider to pass judgment on those that have mental illness and to ask woman to come on here to share there experiences that they have had with Partners that have BPD. Tell my partner of 3 years if she would rather be on here own and basically finish with me because I have BPD. She would honestly say yes it’s hard and I can be difficult but I am not the problem, the disorder is. I can’t explain right now with ought day so much how hard it is for me, being abused as a child and thrown down the starts endless times by my step mother at an early age of 5, starved beat up, locked in a cellar were I spent 4 long years of my childhood alone, scared, worried and worst of all wishing I was dead at the age of 5. Before that I had to live with my mother who had bipolar and tried to kill me and herself, locking me in the garden no matter the weather, I was told neighbours would ring the police because they could hair me creaming and my mother shouting. At the age of 6 I then went to live with my fathers (who I thought was my father) mother who I crown to know as my grandmother, she was an alcoholic, my grandad was, there son was a drug user, violent horrible people that made my life even worse. These people was suppose to help me and give me a safe secure home and show me love. No I didn’t get that. I spent 10 years curled up in my room afraid Linley, paranoid, feeling helpless. I would think about how I could end it all. Why are all these bad things happening to me. Who am I and no one likes. Attention seeker no. You know why because I hold it all in and cry inside. I bleed inside everyday from everything that I went trough. I didn’t even touch the surface. All I want is to feel safe, lived and feeling like belong. When I express happiness it’s a mask for you to not see the pain and suffering I feel. my partner keeps me safe, I feel loved and I feel like I belong. But only with her because she understands. She understands the pain Iv been through and still going through. I have lost so many good friends and partners because of BPD. If only they took the time to understand and be patient then their could of been a little less suffering and pain and more happiness. So please don’t write that these woman are better off without a partner with BPD. We need love, caring for and someone to hold on to. Why shouldn’t we. I am the luckiest man alive now I have found my partner. But my struggles will alway continue outside were people will still never understand what pain and suffering I went through. L

    Ladies you do have to be strong, patient and be able to put up with the ups and downs but if you can open that mans heart he will give himsf to you. I’m proof that I can trust and love and so can others. So Rick but it’s people like you that carry the stigma and why many people walk away instead of helping and understating.

    Just put yourself in my shoes for one day when I was 5. Tell me you wouldn’t be effected by that horrible ordeal

    • I mean it’s simply a matter of personal opinion. You can live your life blaming the disorder, your mom and the countless abuses that happened to you (which does suck), or you can let the past be the past, take control of your own destiny and work on building yourself a bright future. The choice really is yours. I believe that all these mental disorders are vastly over-exaggerated. You can disagree if you want as many people do. But as a recovered codependent/borderline, I can tell you personally that healing is very possible. Letting yourself become a slave to a disorder takes the responsibility off of your shoulders. It’s the easy way out in other words. And hey, if you want to do that then by all means do it. There’s a reason ADD and social anxiety are all of a sudden HUGE disorders nowadays. It’s just easy to blame disorders and take pills. I decided that I would take my life into my own hands and look how far I’ve come :)

  12. Brenda says:

    I met and married a man last October. He quit his job two weeks after the wedding, ended up in a psych unit for 3 days, and said he has a life time of anxiety and panic attacks. I left him in December after his false allegations of my texts to an ex husband that were in regards to my daughter. He never asked me to stay, in fact told my friend to call once I was gone and he would come home. He begged and pleaded and I went back in February. First night home noticed 9 of his ED pills were missing and he told me he took them to masturbate. He also called several ex girlfriends while I was gone. We went to marriage counseling. It was good for two months and then the bomb dropped. He dropped out of schools because he couldn’t handle people. He accused me of having an online dating accounting. Insisting I get him copies of all my texts msgs and ohine records. He would get up at 3 am shower and leave the house. He said I always pulled the rug out from under him and “it was something everyday with me”. I was a stupid fn bitch, whore and liar. He told me to get the F out of the house because I wouldn’t give him the text messages. I moved out the next day and he went ballistic calling me and my family names and screaming. Since he’s send several emails and texts saying he’s lost without me and he’s sorry for all the pain he caused but he’s dealing with his mental health issues. He showed me records before I left that indicated he had bipolar, depression, anxiety, narrcissist and borderline traits as well as suicidial and homiciak risks. Wth am I to do. Not even a one year marriage at age 50. Crazy.

  13. Thank you for this. Just what I needed. :) But is there any difference or further challenge for me, a female aspie dating a BPD male?

  14. Adele says:

    Hi Rick,

    Thank you for your blog. I had a realtionship with a man who is a therapist. He didn’t tell me of his BPD condition and I was unaware what it is about when we started our realtionship. No need to describe it, it was just a classical case of the kind.

    After the break up he wrote me an email which I like to quote here bs it is about splitting the guilt between two of us…something what you recommend to do.

    pl read the following passage that explains why, according him, we had to break up:

    “I feel like you would like to move to Portland while I have established a successful practice in… (the name of the town), and feel like this is where I will stay, that you may not be as comfortable with dogs as you say you are, and I think you want other things that you have never communicated”.
    Is not all this based entirely on his unique ability to read my mind?

    And the next passage is even better…it is about the dream that I never had
    “that you dreamt that I left you…and, that you stabbed me?
    Do you think that had any effect on me feeling safe with you?”

    And finally…

    “you screamed at the top of your lungs when you had an orgasm…”

    “So please don’t walk away from this relationship thinking that you’re innocent, that you’re not 50% in the reason why we broke up, that I’m solely, the one with a borderline personality disorder-

    You are at least 50% responsible”.

    I just wonder if you see these 50% here or any serious reason at all for dumping the great love we shared for each other? I don’t but may be I am just blind.

    • Of course you’re 50% responsible. No matter what, it takes 2 people to work things out. No one is innocent when a break up happens. Only insecure, irresponsible people blame others. It doesn’t matter what it is in life. Losers in life blame others, while successful people accept responsibility. That’s just the facts of life. You ask any person who’s ever been successful, and you’ll see that they never blame others, they just stick to their guns and they keep moving forward in life.

      And I think the fact that you scream when you orgasm is awesome. So don’t feel ashamed of that at all.

  15. pamela says:

    Im female with bpd and met a man…that after the whirlwind meeting. Things started to change.
    After he did every possible thing that hurt me he told me that he thinks he might have bpd too.
    What is the complications of two bpd’s
    Im incredibly hurt all the time.. he cant stay away from me..and when he calls my bpd kicks in.
    Besides from that. We actually get a long very very well..its only his seemingly promiscuous ways..which he says that he did have sex with someone after we broke up..then backtracks and says he didnt says he is still in love with his ex…but tells me he loves me and wants to know what he can do moving forward. I feel sometimes running away will be running away from the same thing i feel men run away from me from…and i dont want anyone to feel that way

    • It’s a tough road to be on, but you’re not alone out there. This is actually the case with A LOT of people. Most relationships are toxic like this. So I really think it’s important to focus on yourself as much as you can and really develop your own self-respect and strength. Sign up for my email list if you haven’t yet as I have a lot of good advice on there :)

  16. Hi Rick,

    I have been reading your articles they are very helpful. I need some advice I have been seeing this guy and his moods to tend to be all of the place and he seems to be very confusing there are moments where I feel like I can actually read him or see his true colors and others he just shuts down. He has these moments where he is very sweet and nice he tells me he really loves me and that it’s just the way fate is and there are other moments where he tries to push me off as if he no longer cares. He tends to say that he prefers people to hate him and that everyone else is flawed
    That he is perfect
    He also like to say that most of the time he is in character he likes to act it’s just hard to read him or understand him. he does have moments where he shares something personal and then out of no where he stops and no longer wants to talk. I need some advice on what I should do.

    • He has issues obviously. BPD or not, he’s a negative person. Do you really want to date someone with a negative superiority complex? I would hope not. Plenty of positive, fun guys out there.

  17. East Coast MH/SA Clinician says:

    Rick, I work in the mental health field as a clinician. To be frank, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Some of the comments here have described male borderlines very well- in particular, the one who stated her boyfriend is a liar, gaslighting expert and serial cheater. That isn’t deeper than BPD. That IS a prime example of male BPD. There was another comment you chalked up to “failure to take responsibility”… and not BPD… but if you had experience as a licensed clinician working with borderlines, you’d know this behavior is common with them.

    Then you go on to say that you believe men with BPD are actually psychopaths. But what do you mean? ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder) is distinct in etiology and symptomology from BPD. Do you mean psychopathy as a trait? Because that’s something people have on a spectrum and there are high-scorers with or without official PD diagnoses. In fact, many psychopaths are socialized and intelligent enough to not fulfill much of the criteria for either BPD or ASPD. Those are your run of the mill Machiavellian types. I know you’re trying to help but you’re loading a lot of desperate people with misinformation. Life coach you may be, but clinician who can rightfully say he speaks as an authority on identifiable mental illness, you are NOT, and it’s false to advertise yourself as one.

    For readers: If you’re a young woman looking to find a man to marry, the BEST advice is to stay far away from BPD men. BPD women are tough enough to deal with in relationships with men. Men are physically stronger and BPD men often become batterers. It’s a cycle of “I hate you, don’t leave me” abuse that all too often escalates from emotional and verbal to physical and at times sexual. It takes years of focused and consistent therapy to help someone manage BPD and even then there’s always the possibility of relapse under stress or particular triggers. Stay away, far away- they are not marriage or father material.

    • I actually tell women ALL THE TIME to avoid the BPD male as he can be quite damaging as you say. But guess what? Some people want to try to make things work. You can’t fault them for that. But I agree with you. It really makes no point in staying with a BPD male when there are tons of normal, stable men who won’t hurt you. This is why my teaching is all about self-development and getting yourself MENTALLY right so you won’t be attracted to these unstable, battering men. So we’re on the same page. BPD women are a much different game than BPD males. But I also do believe that there are a lot more going on with these men than just BPD. Is he a psychopath? Sociopath? Narcissist? A drug addict? There’s ALWAYS something else going on besides just BPD. Which is why I always say that you need to look beyond just the BPD label and take what you see at face value.

      The WHOLE POINT of this article is for women to drop the BPD label and instead just look at the damn actions. That way they can stop paying you $200/hour for you to say ‘run away’ and instead make their own decisions which are self-explanatory. But go ahead and keep throwing all your highly-paid, educated words around to confuse people and get paid :)

      • Right on, Rick!
        This website brings to light a disorder that is not well know about and really needs to be!! Rick doesn’t claim to be a doctor, or suggest people stay in seriously dangerous or abusive relationships. He shares from EXPERIENCE about dealing with people and oneself at a different level, and it appears to be working many whose identity is fraught with labels and definitions. There’s HOPE!!

        Until the Western world learns from the Eastern world to process emotions on all levels – mental, spiritual and physical – we will create the same and worse in our society, from the young generations upwards.

        From personal experience living with a BPD male who was misdiagnosed as strictly Bi-Polar, Rick’s work is refreshing and NEEDED!!!

        I chose to leave my relationship, however, I need and want to heal, AND Rick’s perspective and content provides insight and comfort to me as I am able to sort out with empathy instead of anger and regret, the leftover memories of the manipulation, irrational behavior and highly negative, damaging emotions of another human being.

        Reading what others share gives me confidence to know I am not alone and not dumb for falling for a guy like this. This site gives me strength to know I made the right choice for myself, and kudos to people willing to work on themselves to be able to handle life and relationships head, even if they are “damaged”.

        Kudos to Rick’s courage for creating this site!

        • P.S. Relationships with BPD cross not just romantic, but family lines too, and again, much needed perspective offered here.

  18. Olivia says:

    Im the last poster. It’s been two weeks since I heard from him. First time he ignore me it was like 3 weeks. I asked him twice that if he don’t want to be with me, tell me. Let’s be adults and just tell me but he won’t.mi would take his silence as an answer but he always preached loyalty to me. Plus I feel he would tell me. I’ve contacted him since the last time I heard from him and he won’t say it. He preached loyalty so much I’m afraid of moving on and dating another guy when in his mind “he just need space and alone time”

    He always begged me to not leave him and to be loyal. So I feel stuck, cause I’m not sure if it’s over. Usually when my relationships end its said directly. When he first ignored me I thought the relationship had ended and I was crying and so hurt cause I felt like I did something wrong but than he contacted me like everything. Was good.

    So that loyalty thing got me so scared to move on. Because I promised him loyalty.

    • I would just move on. You’re a woman. You have options. There are tons and tons of respectable, good men out there for you. So think about your life. Do you want to waste your time chasing an inconsistent man? It really doesn’t make sense, does it?

  19. Isabel says:

    Hi Rick,

    Firstly I am glad a stumbbled across your website as a lot of what I was reading was encouraging self pity. I have spent two solid days reading and now realise that I was at fault for being a codependant in my relationship. The relationship is now over so I have found this too late, nevertheless I am now looking to recover and be a stronger person.

    My relationship with a colleague lasted 2 years and started with us seeing each other when both in relationships of our own, which later ended. He would tell me how he wasnt good at relationships, felt he smothered girls too much, kept ending his relationship as he felt his gf didnt love his as much and they would break up and get back together contstantly. His girlfriend also worked with us (his 2 exes were also colleagues). He confided in me and told me I was the most amazing girl he had ever met. He was witty, charming, very popular with colleagues and we had a lot of common ground. I fell and i was lonely in my relationship). The beginning was amazing, flirting, telling me I was his best friend and that he could tell me anything, attracted to me but we shouldn’t do anything as we were in relationships with other people. The inevitable happened and we kissed, he told me he loved me days after only to play it down days later. He began his pushing and pulling with the first couple of months and always excused his behaviour with trying to do the right thing. Totally understandable, so I agreed. At first I had strength and left him to it and he did the obvious making me jealous with his girlfriend in front of me at work, I didn’t bite and acted as normal as I could despite the sick feeling inside. He came back saying he wanted to be friends, so I agreed, except the friends thing didnt last very long and before we knew it we were in a full blown relationship. I always excused his pushing and pulling for when he was with his girlfriend but when they broke up it continued and i didnt understand. He would ask me back to his, we’d have explosive sex and then he would turn on me. Sometimes have sex before work and when in the office would ignore me or start flirting with other girls in front of me. I obviously got jealous and would question why he would do this to me. His response that he didnt think someone like me would be interested in him and was too good to be true. I fed his ego with how good looking he was, talented etc and we’d be ok a again. There were occasions where he would binge drink for days and take cocaine, I pulled him about it one day and asked why he did this, as when he did this the abuse towards me increased. He’d be in love with me but as the night went on, every time guaranteed I would be called every name under the sun, accuse me of sleeping with half the office. His response was that he had issues, told me no one had ever noticed before and that he was so grateful he could open up to me. He admitted to having a lot of self pity and that he wasn’t happy with his life, held grudges and finds it difficult to trust people, hated the fact he only had three mates who were always drinking and taking drugs, that he was worth more than that. He said he was jealous that I had travelled, educated myself, so I took pity on him. I gave him a number to try CBT, he told me he was going, I beleived him. At this point I became weak, he pulled at my heart strings and I’ll admit I thought I could change him. I now know I tolerated much more abuse than I should have, I continuously went back to him when it was clear that he lied to me about CBT, he would dissapear for days, I would beg him to speak to me, call him, turn up at his house where he would pretend he wasn’t in although I could hear him. He admitted he had another girl in there so couldn’t exaclty let me in. I felt crazy and stupid and never been like this before, because I was late meeting him, he decided to take a girl back knowing I would eventually turn up. It tore me apart but I went back. (stupid I know) This cycle continued until I confided in a friend who advised me that this cycle would continue, hurt you, apologise, do anything to get a response from me, be good again for a day or two then back to abuse. She was right and I grew stronger. When he ignored me, I left him to it. When he ended it I just said ok. He then became agressive as he no longer had control over me. I would only speak to him when he wasn’t being vile. Being the codependant I never fully broke contact, as I loved him and thought he was a troubled man, acting like a child to get attention and I will also admit if we weren’t together I would still want him in my life as we did have a lot of common ground. During periods of my strength he did everything he could to get my attention, flirt with others, speak to his ex infront of me, tell me how he had been approached my girls. It worked, I was jealous and loved him or feared abandonment as I have now learnt. We’d start back up again until I couldn’t take it anymore. He would cry on the phone to me that he missed me and loved me so much, literally have sex with me and then brag about other girls. I was done. Ignored all his phone calls which resulted in him telling his ex that he was seeing someone whilst seeing her. I didn’t beleive him at first but he had. He sent me an email that he would tell her it was me if he saw me in work or going out with our mutual friends. He was back in control and I was a nervous wreck. I knew I had to face up to my actions so prepared myself for that. That wasn’t enough for him. As I didn’t respond to his blackmailing email, he decided to turn up at my house shouting and screaming my name, gained access to my apartment block searching for me. He called me to say he had come to hurt me because I had ruined his life. I beleived him because he had already hit me in the past – Yes Rick, I know I was stupid to go back! As I say I am ready to work on myself and need some help and advice. There has been no contact since that night, 4 months ago. He told work what he did as did I, he has changed his mobile number, parks his car elsewhere and runs away from me if we ever walk past each other on lunch or stairwell. I am guessing this is a head game that he cannot stand to be near me. He has told many lies about me to our mutual friends, that I chased him, called him up for sex…i didn’t have sex with him on my own and it was certainly consensual. So had he not said he had issues I wouldn’t have looked into BPD, I thought perhaps sociopathic, but i felt this was a blame label for relationships that went wrong. Do you think he potentially could suffer from BPD? Is he likely to appear again? Are his running away actions reverse psychology or is there a possibility he is embarrassed for his erractic actions. I know this was very toxic and and far from what a loving relationship is, it was an obession and addiction, on my part anyway. Would he be feeling remorse or miss that he had someone who did try to help him?

    Sorry I waffled, thanks in advance for your response!

    • It could be a number of things. I don’t really look at the label, I instead focus on the actions. What stands out here is his manipulation tactics along with his drug use. That alone tells me that this guy needs help. He’s got an addictive personality as you have pointed out and can tell. My advice is to stay away from this guy because he’s not capable of being a healthy partner. The BPD part doesn’t concern me at all. I’ve dated BPD women many times. It’s his drug use and addictions that are the real problem. You being a codependent only makes things worse. It’s not your responsibility to help him. You’re not supposed to help anyone. That’s your codependent personality talking. You need to work on silencing that. Stop blaming yourself, stop blaming him. It does you no good. Just forgive and move forward. Don’t live in the past beating yourself up…

      • isabel says:

        Thanks Rick. Appreciate your speedy response. I am trying to look forward and stop feeling sorry for myself. After reading your articles I am definitely aware of what I need to do.

        • I hope you see why relationships go way beyond just you and a person coming together. It’s much more about feeling empowered and strong and confident and worthy and so on. People that struggle in intimate relationships (such as BPD relationships) usually struggle with emotional strength in other parts of their life as well. It’s all connected. So the key is really to go to work on your own emotional strength. That’s really the ‘secret’ but not lame like that book lol

  20. I think my brother has BDP. I can give a whole novel on everything but basically he treats me like shit but makes me feel guilty for cutting him off for a while. He blames everyone for his problems and says that if no one accepts who he is then don’t waste your time on him. He quits jobs left and right then wants to commit suicide since supposedly no one supports him. He’s 20 and my mom won’t give up on him. She’s trying to help him get his life on track which of course he’s going to use that against her when he gets in an argument with her. He will bring up things in the past that are irrelevant to what the argument is about then he will bring her to the point of crying. He did it to me many times because he’s so manipulative. Thank God I will leave soon to go in the military but I’m worried about my mom because she’s trapped in his circle of madness. She wants to move to a different state but if that ever happens I know for a fact that he will try to make her feel guilty and try to move with her. He has a minimum wage job at the moment (who knows, he’ll probably purposely get fired from there). He used to live with his friend in an apartment but he got fired from his job and can’t help him pay rent so he stays with my mom and I. I’m finally 18 and years of wondering why he pushes me away then pretending to love me finally makes sense. He has every freakin symptom of BPD. Unfortunately my mom will always have to deal with his bull shit because she will do anything for him. Now it’s gone to far. She’s trapped and I’m getting the hell out of his chaos.

    • What you’re getting at here is his lack of responsibility. I would completely drop the BPD label an confront the guy about why he doesn’t take responsibility for his actions. You know that he blames everybody else already, so the real question is WHY does he blame everybody else? This is how I would break it down and figure out the real issue. Get him to sign up for my personal coaching :) Haha in all seriousness, that’s the issue there. You figure out why he blames, you’re one step closer to unraveling his issues.

  21. Robert Smith says:

    Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a specific type of cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy developed in the late 1980s by psychologist Marsha M. Linehan to help better treat borderline personality disorder. Since its development, it has also been used for the treatment of other kinds of mental health disorders.

    • That’s great but it’s just a fancy name for learning to be responsible for yourself and focus on self-improvement lol.

  22. vic evans says:

    my opinion, run like hell!!! I was involved with a man with bpd and after the first month, lots of observations, I was thinking “what the hell?” I thought at first that maybe he just had some minor issues with trust and lack of knowledge of what makes a good relationship, after all, he kept telling me he wanted a healthy relationship. nope. this man was a serial cheater on all of his ex wives and ex girlfriends for the past 20 years, pathological liar and gaslighting expert. He started therapy last fall, quit that therapist and has now moved onto another one which he is delaying making another appointment with. You cant help a person with bpd, that shit is so deep you better get your waders on and get out as fast as you can. Trust your gut-if it doesnt feel right, it probably isnt.

    • That’s much more than BPD, that’s just lunacy. He belongs in a mental hospital. Don’t get the belief that this is what BPD is because it’s not. What you’re describing is psychopathic, much deeper than BPD. As you said, trust your gut. Treat each person uniquely. If it feels wrong, get out. If it feels doable, then work on it.

      Plus to add, BPD is controversial in that it affects women much more than men. In my opinion, men with BPD are actually dealing with something much worse – such as psychopathy and shouldn’t be allowed on the streets. Evil men most of the time. But they can still be broken down and healed, it just requires their own selves to overcome their ego which is a lot to ask.

      • Antionette says:

        Rick you stated ‘ to run like hell if your living with someone who has BPD’. Really? Are you a clinician or a psychologist? You are writting articles about mental disorders and than counseling to others in what they should do. First off not all ppl with this disorder should be taking off the streets or considered evil. Every disorder has its pros\ cons. I think before you begin speculating. You should consider not every disorder goes by the DSM – and doesn’t fit the criteria. Not all ppl will react like this !

        • You’ve obviously never read any of my articles. Because I have never once said “run like hell” and I also tell people that everyone is UNIQUE. So you clearly haven’t read shit. Go read my articles and then give me an apology and I MIGHT let you stick around.

  23. hothead says:

    “Controlling Your Emotions – you must make sure you have great control over your emotions. If you continue to react to all the irrational behavior thrown your way, you’re only going to further damage the relationship.”

    This puts an unfair amount of the responsibility on the shoulders of the non-PD partner.

    • Yes, it does. But life isn’t fair and at the end of the day, you only have your own self to depend on. If you let your emotions get out of control and it creates for conflict, you really only have yourself to blame for that. I’m not saying it’s right, but it just is what it is. Men with BPD are not easy to date.

  24. Rick, your insight is amazing. Any thoughts on how to help these people with BPD/personality disorders? I know we can’t help someone that doesn’t recognise they need help. But do you have any suggestions on how we can bring them to that point, so they can sort their lives out? My ex PD has done everything by textbook like everyone here has commented, and is facing serious allegations with the police. I’m hoping it will open his eyes. I do love him, and want to help. It saddens me that they are the way they are. He needs help, and has already tried counselling, but feels they’re academic and know nothing about life.

    • My new BPD program can help a person with BPD completely change themselves, BUT they have to actually have the desire to want this change and commit to the program. So unless you can get your partner to want to do that, you’re out of luck. That’s why I made the program for both non’s and BPD’s. Should be completed next week, you can check it out I have links around my site to it.

  25. Sighhhhh. A breath of fresh air. It gives some sort of comfort to know im not alone in this nightmare. My situations maybe a little different. I have become somewhat dependent on my BDP bf. He has put me on his cell phone plan and given me his car. Everything is rosey until I unintentionally skip a song on the radio that he likes…. WW3 – he takes the car back, drops me off like a child being dropped to school, but not before he tells me he is tired of always fighting, and he not a fighter. I hold my tounge through the entire bashing, because it is I whom is mentally, emotionally and LITERALLY physically tired from always arguing, im not used to it and I want him to have his F’n way, So leave out of the vehicle with no argument allowing him the last word, or depending on how im feeling that day, calming stating “ok, whstever” then I get a text stating if i dont communicate and change my actions (wtf?) in two hrs the phone will be off. After Ive been put out. I drink wine, pass out for two hrs and wake up to an text invitation to stop by something he knows i would enjoy or need to do the next morning… This is a repeated cycle. I have secretly been taking the bus too and from work when he has his rages and could give a f about me and my well being. I do love him, and i as well have recognized bpd in myself as well, but i would state mine more as the Appeasing characteristics. I am a child of divorce, domestic violence and tremendous anxiety. My downfall is i want to fix everything and everyone have a peaceful happy life. I am frail and I get physically sick from toxic stress. I want to love him and I know I Probably shouldn’t… but right now i just want to counteract his evil powers. What should indo when im spending the weekend over his place and he wants to ignore me for 3days because i called him out with facts when he tries to switch something on me? When he makes me bring him his car? I want peace, but at this time because I am temporarily dependent on him, as well as stupidly inlove I niavelly want peace with with him. pls help

    • I mean this is all on you. You hold your tongue, you continue to let him bash you and emotionally abuse you. That’s your fault girl. This cycle repeats itself BECAUSE you allow him to treat you this way. Your relationship is built on secrets and dishonesty. What do you really expect? If you really want to help him, you need to stand up for yourself and show him that he can’t boss you around, or get out of the relationship. It’s not even a real relationship anyway. There is zero love involved here, just a mess of insecurities. You need just as much help as him and I don’t mean this to be offensive in any way. You really need to work on discovering your own strength.

  26. Vik Tor says:

    After 30 seconds, it became very clear to me you have no mental health education. Please stop pretending you are qualified to help people. Ironically, it’s like you’ve BPD yourself.

    • Well it’s a good thing I don’t give one bit about your opinion. Now go take your superior self somewhere else :)

      • Female human says:

        You go, Rick.

        It was clear to me, within 30 seconds, as well that you are not a professional within the general realm of psychology.
        YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
        My life has been nothing but therapy and hospitalizations for PTSD-emotionally induced anxiety and suicidal depressions. I knowwwwwww the frikkin’ system and I knowwwwwww one doesnt have to have a degree in order to provide very helpful information.
        Although I struggle to apply theory and academically based information to heal my emotional wounds, this fact does not change my layman mastery of said theory. You’ve got almost all of it right based on other sites I have referred to.

        BUT WHAT IS DIFFERENT ISSSSSSS: Hope for BPD people, their loved ones. You give reason to love people and not dismiss them cuz they are too defective. Jezuz. How wld any of you feel if everything written about you was for all your loved ones to give up on you???

        You are giving me a HUGE gift by presenting information on BPD in a way that not only helps me understand my new BF, provides suggestions on what best helps me (which are the lessons I need to be mastering for my own mental health issues…so cool and what a relief) but also suggest that BPD are worth loving and fighting for. I hate hearing how. BPDs are just hopeless and just write them off.
        Fuck that! Everyone is worth fighting for and loving as long as one has the knowledge and internal resources to do so.

        So, THANK YOU!!!
        I hope my BF will come around and seek help.
        If not, it will likely come to an end, but not before trying out your suggestions like taking care of myself, just being his biggest fan, etc.

        (NOTE: I do recall seeing a few passages or sentence that seemed semi-incorrect or possibly projecting so I think people shld research this issue from more than this site, but this site is providing information and inspiration that no other site I have found is doing.)

        • Thank you! I’m doing my best to always be learning and growing. All of my older ones such as this one need updating because I am always evolving and growing. Thanks for the kind words :)

  27. Wow. This is my life.

    My boyfriend and I met in October. Hot and heavy. Lots of attention that I’d never received before and I ate it up. It wasn’t even something I knew I was lacking in my life. In December, I was at the end of a lease and he had just had a knock down/drag out with his landlord, so we both needed somewhere to live. In a cloud of excitement and love and passion, we decided to move in together.

    Things were great for a couple weeks and then took a dark turn. He started lashing out at me. Accusing me of cheating because my ex husband sent me a Merry Christmas text. Accused me of being a liar and a deceitful person who desired anyone but him. None of this could be further from the truth in reality. In his mind, however, it was stone cold fact. I would get upset, naturally, and kick the yelling and fighting into high gear. The eventual comedown would occur and lovey-doveyness would ensue. He soon confided in me that he has been diagnosed with severe depression and BPD. Before really knowing what I was signing up for and with rose colored glasses on, I said “Of course Babe. I’ll be here for you and help you however I can.”

    As the months have progressed, the roller coaster has escalated. I’ve experienced an inability to control my own behavior. Our actions towards each other have crossed the line of physical and verbal abuse towards each other. Threats to leave on both sides. Damage to our home. The overwhelming number of text messages and phone calls from him. The threats to harm himself. The constant barrage of accusations. And of course the crying meltdowns from him when I decide to walk away from the argument to avoid either of us getting physical. In February, we found out that we were expecting a baby. By the beginning of March, I had a miscarriage. That raised a lot of hurt feelings and painful scars on both of us.

    It’s not only embarrassing for other people to know about this, it’s also disappointing to myself. I have lost so much of myself in putting all I have into this relationship. People tell me daily that I don’t seem the same since I met him. I’ve lost 60 pounds because I can’t eat due to stress from this. When I met him, my self confidence was through the roof. Nobody loved Anna more than Anna. Since then, I doubt everything about myself.

    I do love him. I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever about that. I have thought very long and very hard on that and the answer is always a resounding yes. I just feel lost on what to do. I’ve asked myself at what point do I decide that the cost I am paying for love is too high? When do I stop handing over my self respect and dignity to be loved by someone who is so damaged themselves? At what point do I just decide that I’m not up for this task – no matter how bad I want to be the one to stand up and help him fight for himself?

    I don’t know that I’m looking for any answers, just trying to get out what I’m experiencing. This article has provided such a light bulb moment for me. I’ve been scouring the internet and found your page and read the comments and I keep saying to myself… Damn Anna, that’s your life they’re talking about. And I suppose that I hope other women dealing with this in their relationships can know that they are not alone and there’s a lot of other women trying to figure out the very same thing.

    • Yeah it’s hard to figure out. I’m not here to tell every woman how to solve their relationship problems. I’m just here to generally help, but some things I say won’t apply since every situation is unique. So you just got to take my advice as general and see how you can use some of it for your situation and which advice to ignore. And obviously that’s where personal coaching just takes things to a different level because I can actually dig in deep and figure out what could be going on. But generally, the key is to just use what clicks with you.

  28. Michelle says:

    Hi rick, can you tell me if a man with bpd feels any remorse or empathy after hurting his partner. My partner would upset me all time and he was aware he was doing it. But only admit it after I had walked away. If I confronted him he would lie, say it was my fault and say the relationship wasn’t working out for other reasons and end it. He would tell me there was nothing I could say or do to change his mind. I think it’s all just a control tactic. I cought him out recently disrespecting me and being deceitful. He had lied to me in order to manipulate me in to taking him back. After I discovered his lying I did what any person would do. I got angry and emotional. And like many other story’s iv been reading here he turns it around on me and said I’m harassing him. He can not confront the issue. I think he knows he’s lost control so he’s lost interest.

    • Until he’s willing to help himself, there’s not really much you can do about him. This is why you need to just focus on yourself and not take him seriously. You can’t take a guy like this seriously, you can’t commit to men who are like this. That is just silly. So just don’t take any of his insults personally, don’t wear your heart on your sleeve, assume that he is incapable of loving you until he gets to work on himself and starts taking some responsibility. That’s the number 1 rule for success in life. But only he can do that.

      You’ll find that by doing this, you can very much be his friend, you can even be intimate. You won’t experience nearly as much drama because he’s just not somebody you take seriously. So give this a try. Take control of your feelings and don’t see him as more than a friend. See if he tries to lock you down.

  29. Jenny says:

    Recently my BPD boyfriend broke up with me. I was really fragile, insecure, didn’t really know what was going on and it was driving me crazy and I was really emotional all the time. Well I know now that I did everything wrong… I was trying to get him more stable so he can find a job and be happy with himself without getting drunk, but it was only pushing him away because he was telling me he wouldn’t be good enough for me and change over the night. He also told me a couple of time he was really tired of his lifestyle and he knew he could settle down with me because for the first time he met someone with good attentions in his life. But my emotional and confused side pushed him away… When he broke up with me he told me that he can’t offer me what I was seeking in a man and that I can’t offer him what he was seeking in a girl. Now only a week or two after our break up he’s already seeing another girl. I would like to get back with him, even if my friends are calling him crazy and he doesn’t want. I know that I can support him through his rough times and not try to carry him like I did at first. Is there anything I can do to get him back ? I’m not excepting getting back with him tomorrow but maybe after a couple of weeks we can get back in touch and start something new. If so how can I do that ?

    • Just reach out to him is what I would suggest. Give it a couple of weeks like you said. He could reach out to you as well. He’s a guy after all, it’s not like he’s going to complain if you text him. It’s usually the other way around with guys texting the girl and the girl getting mad lol. So don’t worry about it, you can reach out to him. Just wait a little bit.

      • Jenny says:

        He told a common friend that he was coming at the same bar as I go this weekend with a ”friend”… How should I feel and act towards that new girl ?

        I booked a one way ticket to Europe yesterday and I’m leaving the country in two weeks for two months. A plan I had for a long time but since we were together I decided to wait. Now that it’s over I thought it was the right timing. Should I avoid talking to him this weekend and send him a message from Europe after a couple weeks ? Because I’m afraid he’ll be going trough a serious relationship with his new girl and that he rejects me… What would be the best, should I talk to him before I leave, during my trip of after ?

        Also when he broke up with me he told me that I was boring. Never partying or anything. I was a really outgoing girl before we were together and when we started dating I stopped being this fun outgoing girl… Some friends of his started talking to me and we have a great time together. Some friends I didn’t like at first… Should I stop hanging with them so he doesn’t think I’m trying too hard to impress him or should I continue ? After all they are not as bad as I though they were !

        • Forgot to mention I tried to talk to him Tuesday (a week after our breakup) telling him that I wanted to hang out something really casual no stress and send him a friend request on Facebook. He told me that it was really soon and I won’t ever heal if I keep hurting myself about him. I told him that I was going fine and he told me to keep going in this direction and not to think to much about him with two kisses. Then Wednesday, the following day he saw a 2 weeks old snapchat and he deleted me on snapchat and delete my friend request who was still pending to be accepted.

          • Yeah well this guy wants you to move on. He’s right, you need to move on and discover more for yourself. Life is much more than just snapchats and bars and partying. Hanging out and being ‘casual’ isn’t really a fun thing to do for most people. Maybe I’m wrong about this guy and he’s much more than just a party guy because he gave you some good advice: you need to find your direction and get on it. Europe is going to be great for all this, you will see. This guy wants you to develop more taste and depth. He wants you to enrich your mind just as I always say. So do that, but don’t do it for him. Do it for you. Get the thought out of your head of doing things to get him back. Just assume he’s gone forever, that’s the best mindset you need right now. There’s much more to life than men.

        • Lol just avoid him. If he thinks fun, out-going girls are girls that party and go to bars a lot, then he has no clue at all because these types of girls are just your typical, average, common broads. So I say go ahead and let him go after these basic bitches. Let him have his fun.

          As for Europe, if you’re leaving for two months then why would you send him a message while you’re there? That’s just a bad mindset. You’re basically letting him have all the cards here. You need more self-respect. Have some standards. You’re wasting all these thoughts and energy on a guy that thinks partying and going to bars is a good time. Like c’mon now is this guy 21 or something? That gets old after college.

          So you really should work on yourself here and develop your own depth and taste so you can see that there’s a lot more to life than just partying and bars. I really think this Europe trip is awesome for you and will really open up your eyes. You’ll see that there’s a lot more to life than that party guy.

  30. BlueNile says:

    ive been seeing this guy I knew from the past. we kind of worked together but he was more like a mentor. we have about an 8 years gap of age. I had stayed in touch as friends etc. I got married and moved abroad, which failed after 6 months. I came back, figured myself out a bit, slowly my friends started finding out and when I reconnected with tom (the) guy we just fell into a general conversation and I roughly told him I was getting a divorce etc. tom works within media. he has bipolar disorder which he told me about when we started talking again.

    I had no interest in him in that way since I never saw him in that sense. but a few weeks later, whilst he was finishing a project he started to message me more often (he would get three months off). I thought he felt sorry for me, he is generally known as a thoughtful nice guy.

    Im 28, prior to my marriage I hadn’t been in many relations. id say three relations, none of them were that long term. 4 months max.

    tom then started texting me with jokes that were a bit dark, funny and kinda had a sexual nature to it. I laughed it off to start with. but its just the darker humour/dark side which I could feel all the time started to attract me. my curiosity got the better of me and I wanted to know more. I did try to push him away and I had cold moments. he didn’t give up though, carried on until I slowly let him in. he was very sexual in his messages later.

    I didn’t want anything serious…but I don’t know there was just that mental connection there, where I could understand and read things he was saying and not saying. we met a couple of times, just hung out and then he had to go abroad for another project for three months. when he got back we met a few times, and it started to get a bit physical. there was a period of a week he didn’t message me so when I messaged him he made a sarcastic comment.

    he was waiting on me to message him, he said I don’t message him if he doesn’t so he might as well not message him. I keep telling him im not a technology driven person, Im more of a person to person kinda social woman, in person we have a better connection. I haven’t felt this attracted to anyone.

    he works very odd hours, so when he texts me very late , 3/4am he normally wants to ”sext”. when I haven’t spoken to him in a few days I want to catch up first, also my moods fluctuate from intense/passionate/excited a lot where as he is very constant. so if he is in a talking mood, he cant be physical, when he is in a physical mood, he cant talk. when he tries to sext me, sometimes im in a very talkative mood.

    I also have a hard time showing I care but recently him jumping back into a project, hes been very busy. and I haven’t heard from him. I did text him once or twice in between and he did reply and stuff but now for the last one week I haven’t text him and he hasn’t either. he has been in the country for 4 months, I haven’t seen him in two months. last time I was meant to see him, I cancelled.

    he was trying to sext, and I wasn’t in that zone, when it didn’t go according to what he wanted he switched off his phone and went to bed. I text him the following morning saying I was not going to see him. and he said its best he stayed isolated due to his emotional come down from work. he said hes got dark humour and that maybe I didn’t understand him after all. my response was that we are still getting to know each other. I didn’t text him after that, he text me after 5 days . I was cold and he said he couldn’t understand why I was ”vexed”. I told him that I wasn’t a puppet and couldn’t move according to his moods, and that ive had a shitty time etc. two people that have been through shit can either be good for one another or pull each other in black holes. I gave him some details of my marriage and explained that have a relation over a phone was not me and that I expect good treatment from someone I let in.

    it was a very long message I wrote and he was understanding. I said that being friends was more important and that I had genuine care for him.

    he said the same and did say that he couldn’t be a good boyfriend at this time and that he cant multitask emotions (hes not good at it).

    I told him that my care was different because the part of me that’s damaged…I protect him and ”us” from it. I don’t want projections from him. I haven’t asked him to be my boyfriend…I don’t do labels etc. but it has kinda got me thinking now… we were fine after that although a few days later he said he felt shy from me because we hadn’t discussed the whole thing…he said it was too deep to have a whatsapp conversation over.

    we were meant to meet but he had to go out of town due to his work, and next month he will go abroad again and be back for 5 months, then he will be gone for another 6.

    thing is I really like this guy. just the last week he doesn’t even have time to text or call. I haven’t either. im quite taken up by my own stuff. I have no idea whats going on with him, he seems to care about everyone around him. he did say that hes giving so much of himself to others that he hardly has anything left for himself. but I just feel a bit lost… I don’t know where this is heading and that didn’t matter before but we have been talking since October.

    I don’t talk about my stresses to him because to me our time is our time. I like relaxing in his company and not load off my problems on him. I have friends to share that with. im just finding that maybe this was convenient for him while he had time off…and not so much anymore. it took him a lot of time and effort to get me to open up and be comfortable with him…but not that I have…where is he?

    • This guy is just pulling some 50 shades of grey on you lol. It’s pretty obvious you don’t have a lot of experience like you say. So honestly, my advice is to just educate yourself more about relationships and dating and men. And not so much from the mainstream internet. You gotta find the real sources. I’m telling you this because your lack of experience is getting the best of you. This guy wants nothing to do with you. He KNOWS you’re emotionally weak and he wants to exploit that, manipulate you and sleep with you.

      Obviously, that pisses me off because hell has a special place for people that take advantage of inexperienced, emotional;y weak men and women. Don’t take offense to my statement here, it’s just that you don’t know better since you’re inexperienced like you told me. I’m telling you this to hopefully help you not make a bad decision. He does his ‘sexts’ to make you horny and want him. It’s typical. This is why you need to get more experience because any man or woman with experience can see right through this guy.

      This is my hard truth advice for you because I don’t want you to end up hurt and attracted to another idiot male. So get researching, read some GOOD books full of GOOD mindsets, read my articles, learn from me if you want, make some girl friends that have experience with men, and they’ll tell you straight up that this guy is just a tool lol.

  31. I have been in a relationship for almost a year with a man who was diagnosed with BPD right before we got together. (He is still in the process of denial, research, finding help/therapy). From the very first date he was up front with me about it. Things were amazing in the beginning, he gets along well with my daughter and is living with us. I have been trying to do my research to try and understand as much as I can. The hardest thing for me is I am a very emotional person and he is not. It’s hard for me to not hear him say how he feels or to show a total lack of emotion or comfort/support at times when I need it. I feel like I am the only one putting effort into this relationship. He never wants to go any where or do anything. He goes to work and comes home. (He does not have a good relationship with family and not many close friends). Lately, it has been a little rough.He has been so back and forth. One day I am the best person in his life and the next day, I am the worst person to ever walk the planet! I never know who he is going to be! When he gets like this, the slightest thing will set him off, a simple joke, turns into WW3! He throws my insecurities in my face, last night he told me I was stupid and desperate for staying with someone like him. And now he’s in the ignoring me phase. And I know when I do hear from him, he won’t apologize, because the last (and only time) it got this bad, he acted like nothing happened and was back to normal. I know you can’t tell me what to do. I just need advice. This whole situation, dealing with BPD is new to me. I just don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with it. If I should continue to deal with it. I read some of your articles and I don’t understand how to take control of him/it. It’s seems like when I do or try to stick up for myself, it makes it worse, but if I just sit quietly and let him vent on me its bad too. So I’m Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

    • His behavior is just a reflection of himself. So you gotta have thick skin and not take it personally. It’s tough but that’s really where you need to start. I’ve been coaching a women like you who is married to a BPD man and it’s been really successful because she stood her ground, established these boundaries, stopped letting him treat her poorly, and now he WILLINGLY has gone into therapy and has admitted for the first time in his life how much he needs help and how much he wants to get it. He’s opening up and revealing things he never told anyone and he’s in his 50’s. So you just need to stop letting him push you around. Stand up to him. Don’t let him have any part of you when he’s being an ass, don’t sleep with him, don’t give him any attention. Treat him like a 5 year child in timeout.

      • So he actually just ended things and is moving out. Said he needs to get help and can’t do that with me around. That he can’t give me what I need and want and he can’t stop himself from hurting me. I honestly don’t know how to feel about this. I know it is probably in my best interest to just walk away and find someone who can give me the “romance & hearts & flowers” of a relationship that he can’t give. But when he is “there”, we are amazing together. But then, again, when his BPD side shows its ugly side, its bad. I want to be there to support him, but I don’t want to push it either.

        • Yeah you just got to let him be for now. Just tell him ‘Okay do what you gotta do, you know my number’ and let him go. He’ll reach out to you, don’t worry. He just needs time to himself. I’m not saying I approve his actions by any means, but you can’t force people to work things out. So just let him go. Hopefully he’ll learn that you’re there for him in the future. But like you probably know, you can’t force people to do what you want them to do.

  32. I just got out of a relationship with a man I’m convinced has BPD. I had categorized him as having emotional issues and a drinking problem, but now that I see the elements of BPD, they seem to all describe his issues. My guy was definitely not commitment phobic nor did he hurt himself. He told me on our first date we would be together in a year, and a few weeks in said beloved me and wanted to marry me. His confessed “love” for me was a theme throughout our relationship.

    It wasn’t long into courtship that our fun dates with cocktails were way too much for me… he would drink himself blackout drunk almost every time. He never would fall asleep, just keep drinking and do stupid things; getting in fights, blasting music all night long with no regard for me sleeping, taking his dog in a cab to bar… things you’d think a 22 year old might do but not a 38 year old. If I got mad at him, he’d somehow spin the argument into how I was doing something wrong and I’d end up apologizing. Writing that feels ludicrous but he was that good at spinning things around. Repeating this process left me walking on eggshells constantly. He would get livid at me for what I considered small things; like not folding my clothes in my bag at his place, talking with food in my mouth, my tone of voice not being perky enough, or if I didn’t “control” my low blood sugar, if I didn’t agree with him. I’d be in tears constantly.

    I left him several times, usually after some kind of incident where he drank and behaved badly (punched out a wall in front of my friends, got in a fight before thanksgiving and I had to lie to my parents about why we wouldn’t attend.) He would always be deeply apologetic, sensible and agree to therapy. He was a fantastic salesman and very charming. At one point he stopped drinking for several months and even saw a therapist. But he decided he didn’t like the therapist because the therapist focused on his “drinking problem” and made him feel bad. He made me promises he was fine and began drinking again..

    His father died suddenly when was 4, and he’d tell me he always felt this deep sense of loss and emptiness and he couldn’t bear me leaving him too, that I had to promise never to leave him. He’d always revert to this pity to get me to stay.

    I’m gone for good now and feel so much relief. I maintain concern for him though and wonder if I would be out of line to tell his mother I think he has BPD. I fear telling him directly because he is so sensitive and I don’t need to be screamed at by him anymore. His family does not live nearby so I don’t know if they realize his issues. He also has no close friends nearby. I know it shouldn’t be my problem anymore, it’s just sad to see someone needing help not get it.

    • You should never be in a relationship where you feel like you have to walk on egg shells. That’s not a relationship. I like helping people with BPD relationships because they always feel like they have to walk on egg shells. But that’s just not the case when you learn the skills. And yeah it’s sad when people don’t try to help themselves. It’s like you got one life on this earth and you’d rather be a drunk than actually try to live a life of quality? It’s pretty pathetic.

  33. Tina15 says:

    Dear Rick,
    Thank you for your insightful blog. I was searching for a man with bipolar disorder and aggression and this is how I came across your blog. I am a bit confused about the bipolar disorder and borderline disorder symptoms in the man I have started dating for only 3 months. The beginning was very slow – two months even no hand touching and suddenly in the last month or so it has been a tornado. His bipolar disorder was diagnosed 15 years ago and he is on medication and seeing two psychoanalyst every other week but his behaviour in the past month has been beyond my imagination; I was on a research trip a week after we became intimate and he proposed his marriage plan via email! and when I asked him why he didn’t wait to tell me face to face he questioned my fidelity and said that I might have run away so by proposing he is securing me. He made some insulting jokes about me being attracted to other men and in general some weird comments about me ( I walk like a man and he likes women who flow – I may do in fact but what can I do?…) – He took pleasure in making jokes at my expense. I told him that enough is enough and he has no right to walk over me and I broke up with him but he out of the blue turned up at the door and begged for a chat. He had called friends and asked about my past (like a detective) and manipulated their words and told me that I am mad not seeing love in him and something is wrong with me! Did he get me back after this? of course not and this is a very awful start for any relationship but I cannot understand why someone wants to do this right at the start of any relationship? This is very baffling… I would be grateful for any light you could shed on this … at least for my own peace of mind.

    • Well the reason he’s like this is because he has some serious issues, lol. This isn’t normal behavior for even a borderline male. This guy simply just has issues and it’s unfortunate. He clearly needs my training because he doesn’t have a clue what he wants. The answer to your question isn’t something you should be wondering so much about. The answer is that this is simply how he is and he’ll never change if he doesn’t get help. That’s just how it is. There’s a reason he’s single and been failing with women and you can see that now.

  34. I dated a doctor with BPD for a couple of months (early 40’s, never married) who was beaten by his father until he was 16.
    He came on very strong, completely idealized me. That lasted for about 6 weeks. Then his true colors came out…. verbally abusive, rage…terrible temper tantrums over nothing. Everything I said he turned into criticism against him. He had no self esteem whatsoever. I set my boundaries by removing myself physically when he went into a rage and told him calmly that I can’t be around him when he behaves like this. He smelled rejection, and went into a depression. A few days later he told me that he knows that he can get really scary when he’s angry, but he can’t be with someone whose scared of him. (?!) He’s not in treatment, he’s in denial, he says anger is his best friend. He has since painted me black, and hasn’t talked to me in 3 weeks. I’m a non confrontational person with healthy boundaries…assertive and diplomatic. Should I try to be there for him as a friend and reach out to him once some more time has passed?

    • No. Why would you want to be with someone that has no self esteem? This just means that you have no self esteem. So you should stop seeing him and work on yourself. Join my relationship roadmap program because I got good stuff in there to help you build up your self esteem. You need it.

  35. Windsong says:

    Hey Rick,

    You have some really great insight on BPD in general. I like listening to your recordings and books because your perspective is the simplest to follow for all people. I have a question, a man with BPD is not as common as in women, so what if the men are actually sociopaths. I know the actual word sociopath is so scary but they seem to mirror some BPD traits. The guy I knew would be distant, not conform to social norm, and really used me. I am using this time to grow and will be signing up for more of your products they are light hearted and give me valuable information. Thanks Again!

    • The word BPD in general is a word I don’t like to use. However, people would never know about me and my belief system if I didn’t use it. The reality is that everyone is different and you need to look deeper than just ‘Oh he or she has BPD’. So like in your case, your guy has these sociopath issues. So with that alone, seeing how I don’t really teach anything about sociopath and I avoid them, I could never encourage you to try to make it work with a sociopath. What I teach are the skills and knowledge to deal with MOST types of behavior and situations. But at the end of the day, there will always be people that just aren’t worth being with.

  36. Alexandra says:

    Excuse me Rick!
    Please read my message again. I kept my boyfriend a secret FROM my son.
    And I didn’t complain about him being tall! I love that about him.

  37. Alexandra says:

    Hi Rick,

    I hope you can advise me here.

    I met my boyfriend a little over two years ago. He is tall, dark and handsome. We have the exact same interests and sense of humour. I’d previously been in two abusive relationships and was looking for someone to take it slowly with and keep secret from my son (my ex had emotionally abused him) he was completely understanding of this and would come over late at night and leave early in the morning.
    I had never felt so loved and desired. We would cuddle and kiss for hours on end and if we couldn’t see each other then we’d Skype for hours.
    He was very open about his history, adopted at birth, being tall meant he was bullied, drug abuse, racing around in fast cars, illegally riding a motorcycle, he got married because his now ex wife wanted to, they had a kid just because. When they divorced he ran away to Canada for three months on a whim and got a Canadian woman pregnant on a one night stand. She, apparently, gave up everything to move to the UK to be with him. Weeks after the birth of their son she moved back to Canada and my boyfriend hasn’t seen his son since, he got upset about it when telling me but hasn’t attempted anything to have him in his life.
    After the Canadian girl he was engaged to what he lovingly labels “the fat bitch” she apparently wrecked his credit and that’s why he is in no position to buy a house even though he works. He also claims that she abused his son from his marriage.
    Within weeks of separating from “fatty” he started talking to me. I am his sixth girlfriend/lover and his fourth fiancé.
    With me he has lied about his debts/income. He has lost his temper and thrown me across a room. He has punched walls and he often steals the duvet so I cannot sleep until he has finished the argument. He sleepwalks and has night terrors but I believe these to be pretend as they only happen when we’ve argued and he instigates sex in his sleep when I’ve refused him. I’ve been “raped” twice now. When I tell him of his behaviour he doesn’t seem sorry, he just becomes a victim claiming to be frightened of his own behaviour.
    He never has any money, he is over weight and disorganised. He has few friends and his work colleagues seem to be great at work but he is never invited out socially.
    I’ve missed out loads but I’m afraid you’ll fall asleep.
    Is this BPD or bipolar or some other personality disorder?
    Thank you.

    • First I’ve ever heard of someone complaining about a man being tall, lol. So you started out the relationship keeping your son a secret from him? So he didn’t know you have a kid? Well, right off that bat you’re starting a relationship out of dishonesty. A relationship built on a foundation of dishonesty will never last. Now I’m not saying that you need to reveal everything to people you date, but 99% of guys want to know if a woman they date has a kid or not. To me, it feels like you’re really bending over backwards to be with this man who has “raped” you twice. Honey, I don’t think it’s the man that needs help here…

      • Alexandra says:

        Excuse me Rick!
        Please read my message again. I kept my boyfriend a secret FROM my son.
        And I didn’t complain about him being tall! I love that about him.
        I think you should have another look at the text and perhaps try and help rather than be so quick to jump on the attack.
        Also, my son did get to know my boyfriend once I knew it was a “real” relationship

  38. anonymous says:

    My b.f. has BPD. I am 99.9999% certain. The push/pull cycle has been going on for a little over a year. The last push me away cycle was 2 weeks ago right after a blissful Christmas/New Years. I was devastated and started googling things on the Internet. I have never heard of BPD until 2 weeks ago. I have never heard of words like engulfment, splitting, projecting, hoovering, gaslighting… all things he has done to me many many times. I’ve also been reading about co-dependency which I must be since I go back to him every time. It’s pretty harsh realizing I might have a problem too, but I take full responsibility. I have been reading a lot about BPD, mostly very negative until I found your site. You seem very down to earth and knowledgeable about the issue. I have done pretty well over the past 2 weeks. I have not seen him or contacted him. He has text messaged me many times. If I do reply back to him my reply is vague or one word answers. But even by doing this – am I playing a game or being the same as him (super avoidant)? I am doing my own thing… working on my yoga practice, focusing on work, catching up with girlfriends, reading. He keeps asking to meet up for dinner and I haven’t made up my mind if I want to do that. Most things I’ve read on the Internet say to run away and not be involved with this type of person, but you say it can work. One thing interesting you said was the BPD wants you (me) to have the power and I was wondering if you could talk a little more about that. He is very controlling and the crazy thing is, in the past 3 or 4 months, I have tried my best to be more in control and he always shuts me down. I am introverted (but not shy), and sweet but what I’m NOT is weak, meek, submissive but I think that’s what he sees in me! I have been working most of my adult life to be more assertive.

    I know his life story, names of old girlfriends. He told me everything early on and it never clicked with me until 2 weeks ago. Bullied as a child, no friends, not a good relationship with his parents (except I really don’t know the true reason). I have met his parents and they seem lovely, but from what I have read is that the BPD males had issues with their moms. Chaos and drama is everywhere with him. Bad relationships, says HE’S had stalkers, slept with many women. I’m the opposite…always had secure relationships, very close with my parents and family, no drama….but what I read on your site ( I think I read this here ) is that he might find that or me boring. HOWEVER, he tells me I am the most stable, humble, wonderful girlfriend he’s ever had.

    Another thing he has done to me is withhold sex and it breaks my heart to type this out. I wasn’t going to mention it or ask but another thing I read is that the more closer he becomes to me, the less he doesn’t want to have sex with me or can’t perform because I might remind him of his mom. Do you have any thoughts on this? There has been some physical intimacy between us but not a lot. And he makes these weird statements like ‘we can start having sex regularly now’ or we will make out/heavy foreplay to the point where I think we are going to have sex and he just rolls over and goes to sleep.

    So obviously the push/pull cycle has happened many times. One of the times when we were on a ‘break’, I decided to go visit a girlfriend out of state. He volunteered to drive me to the airport; when he dropped me off he let out a big “I love you” (first I love you) which obviously made me happy yet confused the hell out of me. Then proceeded to text me the whole weekend with I love you and I miss you. He has continued with the I love yous when times are good with us, but now after learning about the disorder, I wonder if he really means it?

    He’s a martial artist, great body. On top of that a successful, handsome, and artistic hair stylist and is around women all day. He loves to tell me stories how women want him and he really tries to make me jealous. It makes me more sad or confused than jealous. I don’t know why he does that to me. I am successful, good looking, have a great body too, but I would never try to make him jealous….or is that where I am also going wrong? One thing I read that you wrote is that you actually encourage women to go out and cheat or give them a taste of their own medicine ( you may have been joking I couldn’t tell). You said people need thick skin to date a BPD, and like I said above, I am working on it.

    I guess I would like more coaching and more advanced advice about males with BPD. For example, finding my edge… haha I dress edgy, I am a yogi. But I guess you mean more of an edgy attitude?? Like I said, I haven’t made up my mind if I want to see him or have a ‘talk’, or if I should just move on. It’s sad for me to say this, but these 2 weeks have felt like a vacation. He exhausts me mentally and emotionally. I have really enjoyed focusing on myself, although go through waves of missing my best friend. I am interested in hearing what you have to say. It’s hard to type out my whole relationship without it being a novella.

    peace.

    • Yeah I hear ya, it’s just these relationships are hard for both men and women because there’s such a disconnect in understanding what’s really going on. Like take me for example, I know what’s going on in the head of the BPD. So I know not to listen to words. If he’s saying I love you’s and such, don’t hold any weight on them. If sex is an issue and he’s worried about performing, perhaps he needs you to push him over the edge and take control. I know that BPD’s for the most part like to be dominated. So give this a try. As for advanced training, I’m always working on improving my programs and adding new stuff so I’ll be sure to add more male BPD content :)

      • Cristina says:

        I’m confused, you said “that BPD’s like to be dominated”. Isn’t that contrary to BPD males wanting to be in control? Or would that comment be a subjective desire?

        • BPD males do want to be controlled. That’s why the women who succeed with them are usually the confrontational, intimidating type who aren’t afraid to get in his face and leave him in the dust.

  39. Hi Rick
    Im really happy that i found your sight. I have learned a great deal here so far. I was wondering if you could share some of your thoughts with me. I believe that I have BPD and im in the process of being diagnosed and im dating a girl who has gone through DBT for a year for her borderline. I am finding that my behavior is jeopardizing the relationship and i really want this to work. I am taking steps to improve and am willing to put in the effort to change myself but there are times when my emotions just take over and it seems that i am poweless to stop it. Are there any suggestions that you could provide that would help me remedy this? I would appreciate any help and would like to say thank you for having a great website for people like me to refer to as a resource.

    • Hi Jon thanks for the kind words! I actually just released an article on emotional control. I highly recommend you read through that and apply what you can to your life. But because I don’t really like to generalize BPD, I can’t specifically help you with your issues because I don’t know them :) Emotional control is something most people struggle with, it’s very common. If you find yourself getting to that point when you’re about to boil over, you really need to work on being conscious of it and just not reacting because of it. Just the pure thought of ‘don’t react’ is an amazing step for people with BPD to take. Let me know how it goes :)

  40. Female Borderline Sociopath says:

    “These types of men end up becoming more interested in the actual seduction process instead of actually committing and falling in love over time with someone. They probably sleep around as they love the process of getting a woman into bed. But committing? No chance.”

    I absolutely LOVE that commnet and observation. It’s 100% true and it’s wholly dedicated to validating his own self-worth. It feeds his ego. He is compelled to do it in order to make him feel good, needed and wanted.

    I have yet to write about my “relationship” (i.e.; “flirtationship”) with a male borderline that I’ve been involved in for the past two years.

    I will be continuing to write my own personal story on my blog and will be writing about this man very shortly. I would love for you to follow my blog and provide your feedback and comments around him and his ways at some point.

    http://femaleborderlinesociopath.blogspot.ca/

    Looking forward to hearing from you!

    • I kept the blogspot link because, well, your articles are pretty entertaining lol. Keep up the writing, I always think it’s a great perspective to hear from people with BPD :)

  41. Brittany says:

    Rick,

    I have read your website and am in the process of listening to your book. I have a very unqiue situtation. Probably one you have never heard of before. I am married but I am in the process of going thru a divorce, in the mean time I meet my bestfriend. We have a really close relationship with a Bipolar male. He is in a down cycle switched his job, lost his car, lost his apartment. He is slowing working on getting his life back on track. I have been there for him while I go thru my own struggles(but he is always there for me). He has been upfront with me on his mental illness and struggles, his relationship patterns, his depression and his inablility to commit to someone. i am truely the only person he has in his life, there is no one else. All the while we have been hanging out getting close and attached to one another. Recently was the first time he needed his space(he said things in my life brought up emotions for him and i was asking him to define the realationship to fast) I want to know how I can be with this person and be a good outlet for him? I cherish him and have the emotional control within myslef. What does he need to know to understand I am not going anywhere even in the down cycles? I believe Bipolar people are worth loving especailly this one. Thank you so much for your help. I look foward to a succesful realationship with your help.

    • Just don’t try to define the relationship anymore. Don’t make the relationship a logical thing. If he wants to be single, just tell him ‘You know being single is actually something that can be great because it gives you time to grow and learn about yourself’ just keep it that way for awhile with him. Let him be the one to open up to you, to ask you to be in a relationship. It seems that you want more commitment. That’s a bad place to be. You can’t force someone to get close to you. Just let him do that in time. Give him the space he needs. When you do hang out with him, just keep it friendly. Let him be the one to make the moves.

  42. Karen says:

    I met a man 4 years ago who was going through a divorce. He swept me off my feet even though I knew it was wrong to date him while he was still married. I had never experienced such a wonderful romantic chase from a man in my entire life. Within 2 months he was asking me to marry him, only to tell me later that he didn’t remember such a thing. During our honeymoon stage, he told me about his childhood, and confided in me in a way that he said he’d never been able to do before with even his ex-wife. His family has all confirmed that he’s a closed book until I came into his life. He had 6 affairs while being married 30 years to his ex. All because he claimed she didn’t love him and he needed to feel loved. He also indicated there was some sexual abuse as a youth, and his father totally abandoned him and the family as well as being very verbally and physically abusive to all the children. I know he’s suffered dearly from this lack of attention, but he won’t face any of this or discuss it further with me anymore.

    Over the next few years, he continued to ask me to marry him one day and then indicated I made it up. About 6 months after his divorce was final, he began to pull away from me. He ended up with some type of a physical condition that not even the numerous doctors can diagnose. They all told him he needed to see a shrink because it’s all in his head. They now have him on so many medications that he’s not even the same man anymore. But I have to wonder if it’s all the meds or if some of it is his BPD.

    His ups and downs, pulling me close, and then pushing me away drove me nuts. One day he said he loved me more than his own mother, more than even his own daughters. The next day he didn’t remember saying such a thing, even though he admitted he felt that way, he said he couldn’t honestly believe he would actually verbalize that to me.

    After 2 years of the on again off again emotions and outburst for no reason, I broke it off with him. Within 2 weeks we were talking again and trying to work through out issues (which I never understood what they were). I asked him if we would go for counseling, but he refused saying that never worked in the past when he went with his exwife.

    He doesn’t have a relationship with his grown children, even though he says he wants one, he won’t do anything to try and build one. They have lived with this same on again off again behavior and the memory loss, that they are afraid to get too close to him. So he is all alone with himself. Well, with the exception of all the new women that he constantly brings into his life. At first he claimed they were only friends, but now I begin to wonder.

    We did get back together, only I ended up breaking it off with him once again a few months later. This time, we continued to try to work things out, but from a distance. We got back together about 8 months later, but then a few short weeks later he told me that he was telling people we were only friends. I was so hurt and shocked as this man continued to pursue me sexually and continued to tell me that he wanted a life with me. I ended up breaking it off with him for the 3rd time after this.

    Shortly after that, he asked me out to dinner and professed his deep love for me and told me that I just needed to give him time to work through some things. Said he had no desire to see other women, but he just needed to live a single life for awhile, because he’d never been able to do that in his adult life. But he begged me not to give up on him and to just give him some time and understanding. So we continued to see each other, yet stepping back and not seeing each other constantly. We still had access to each other homes (keys etc), and he still popped into my place whenever he wanted. Then one day without warning after just discussing buying a home together and finally settling down, he sent me a text message to say he was seeing someone else. I was crushed and didn’t know how to respond. We’ve been broken up for a couple of months now, and I’m just not sure what to do. I still love this man with all my heart, but he doesn’t even seem like the man I fell in love with. How can someone say such wonderful things for 4 years, and then all of a sudden be seeing someone new? I don’t contact him, but I just know in my gut that he will return someday. It seems to be his norm. I want to get over him and move on, but my heart just feels so confused.

  43. Bonnie says:

    Hi Rick,

    I just found your site and I am really glad I did! I have been dating my boyfriend for about 15 months now. In the beginning he had a job, he was kind and compassionate and he really put forth the effort into our relationship. I was honest about him with my past (something I realize now that I should have just kept to myself) and for the past 6 months he hold this over my head. I also made the mistake of looking on his facebook one day and I owned up to it, but he is still pissed about it 6 months later. He tells me he can’t stop thinking about my past, and sometimes he looks at me with anger and disgust.
    He stopped working about 10 months ago and I had been supporting him up until recently when I told him I couldn’t do it any longer and that he needed to get a job. He decided he was going to move out and that we are now on a break. He texts me randomly which typically involves complaining about how he hasn’t eaten and how he hasn’t taken his meds even though he told me he had his meds taken care of.
    He has been seeing a therapist, but has only been able to go once a month because he’s unemployed. One person suggested he might have BPD, and from everything I have read all of his behavior as our relationship goes on makes so much more sense now.
    I feel really bad for cutting him off financially but I just could not do it anymore. I truly love and care about him, I’m just so tired of being treated like crap for my past and for him not even trying anymore.
    As of today, he moved out right before Christmas and I haven’t heard anything other than that he will come get the rest of his stuff.
    Am I doing the right thing by standing my ground (better late than never) and forcing him to take care of himself?

    • I mean if he’s on meds and is going to therapy, then at least he’s aware that he has issues. So my advice is that you really just need to not take the things he says to you personally. If he says that your past bothers him, then you need to be like ‘Well my past happened so either you accept it and stop bitching about it, or you move out and find a girl with a squeeky clean past.’ So yeah I think you made the right decision here.

  44. Denise G says:

    Yeah they like when you show self respect and the bipolar male friend I had told me it makes him run toward a woman with respect because she cannot be conquered, if your winey and hurting acting they will just consider you weak and loose interest.

    • Another good tip is that everyone is different. So when it comes to dating, if you know that a certain guy likes to run after women, it means that he likes to be dominated and conquered. So just be that type of woman that will dominate him because that’s what he wants.

  45. joruka says:

    Yeah, reading back on my post, it’s probably a lot of stuff to get your head around all at once – but once I started writing, I couldn’t stop!… It’s the first time I’ve put all of this stuff down, and I just had to get it out…

    Thanks for the advice – I think it’s a great strategy – and one I have been trying to stick to for a few months now – and it seems to be working – still a lot of ‘playing up’ and BS to deal with, but I have finally realised that I am the one who has the power (you’re right on that one :-) ) and it has changed the way I think completely.

    We had a huge row recently and he threatened to leave – so I told him to go right ahead and do it (the first time ever – usually I would have tried to persuade him to stay) – I told him it was his choice – I wouldn’t control his actions – it was his responsibility if he wanted to make that decision – and within a half an hour he had calmed down and we talked things through calmly – wow! that was such a difference from before when he would say that I was the reason he was feeling bad, or I was the one forcing him to leave becasue of my behaviour etc. it felt great – it felt like I was in control of the situation – and not being manipulated. It has given me much more confidence to stand up to him now.

  46. joruka says:

    Hi Rick,
    I have been reading your articles for a while and want to say that I think they are really inspirational and have given me a lot of strength over the past few months. I think I am married to a man with BPD – although when he was younger he was diagnosed with bipolar – but to me his behaviour sounds much more like BPD than anything. As some context, he suffered physical and mental abuse (not sexual) at the hands of his domineering overbearing father when he was younger).
    When we met, he was the most charming, witty, funny, intelligent guy I have ever met – and he completely swept me off my feet – we were married within a year. He shared the most intimate things about his past relationships with me (he has been a serial womaniser for years, but told me that I was different, the love of his life, and he would never leave me). There were a few alarm bells: an insatiable need for company (mine – he wanted to do everything with me – which at first was very flattering indeed), a constant desire to be amused and entertained, a domineering self focused personality, tantrums if he didn’t get his own way and the fact that he thinks everyone else is an ‘idiot’ and they just ‘just don’t get it’. It wasn’t like this all of the time, and only when he was tired or stressed., so it didn’t seem like a big deal. Everyone has problems, right?
    We worked in the same company, and saw each other every day – and he seemed secure and happy. Just before we got married, he suddenly told me he wanted to leave me. He explained it by saying that he was so in love with me that he couldn’t bear me to leave him at any time in the future (as I would eventually, apparently) so he wanted to end if before that happened. I was totally confused but managed to talk him round, thinking it was just cold feet and we did get married. Just after we got married, we moved jobs and now no longer work in the same company. From that moment on it has been getting worse and worse. One minute I am the best thing in his life, and the next I ‘don’t understand him’. I can’t do anything right for days, he finds fault with everything I do, he accuses me of having affairs with work colleagues, he checks my phone. If I put on something ‘nice’ (read ‘smart’) for work, I am trying to impress a man. He is jealous and possessive about who I see, unless he comes with me. He criticises my family and friends (including my 2 kids – they ‘don’t like him’, according to him). He can go for days giving me the silent treatment for no apparent reason, or completely flip out at the slightest comment about something I have said ‘in passing’ about something completely trivial etc. He is manipulative – ‘if you do this, then I will leave you’ or ‘if you don’t give me enough sex, I will find someone else who will’ etc. It is constant emotional blackmail to get his own way.
    I started reading about BPD about 6 months ago when it became unbearable and I felt that I was being ‘swallowed’ by his moods and irritation and manipulative behaviour. Having read your website – I have come to the conclusion that he probably has BPD or similar and that I am probably co-dependant, so I am now trying to dissociate myself from his behaviour and focus more on my needs. it is early days, but I am trying. He has noticed the difference as I am trying hard not to let him manipulate me any more – and now I ‘don’t love him anymore’ and ‘it’s just a matter of time before you leave me’ etc is now common as he can feel me pulling away and not reacting to his moods and behaviour anymore. I have realised that I don’t need him (I am self sufficient financially, I have a great job etc) and would be fine if he left. I think he has realised this because ‘I need you more than you need me’ is now a common conversation and he asks for constant validation of how I feel about him. I have asked him to get some help for his behaviour, but ‘there is nothing wrong with me’ and ‘you should accept me for who I am, and I’m not going to change’ or ‘it’s not me, it’s you who has the problem’ is the usual response. He has an exceptionally high IQ (he was tested above 150), and so he is extremely good at manipulative behaviour, and it is so difficult because he can argue black is white, and make you believe it.
    One of the most difficult things to deal with is the way he is so great when we are out in company – smiling, talkative and charming with everyone, and as soon as we get home, he is a different person – irritated, undermining and moody.

    I love him for the man I met – the charming, witty, handsome, smiling person who I see when we go out with other people, but this man disappears when we get home. He says that he can ‘be himself’ with me, and I should be flattered…and I can see this is true to a degree. . There are glimpses of the man I met occasionally, when he is in a good mood, and I wonder if it can ever be like it was? I have talked to my mother – in – law, who told me his father was exactly the same (I did not know this before we were married). His father was a very volatile, emotinally unstable, jealous, manipulative man, and I can see much of that in my husband, who refuses to see that he is like that at all. To be honest, I would be kinda relieved if he left, as I live day to day being constantly stressed about what kind of mood he will be in when he gets home. That said, I know the man he can be, and still remember this in the bad times. Am I kidding myself that it can ever be as good as it was?

    • Wow, quite the story! I’m glad you shared because it just shows you the different faces these people can put on. All charming and fun in public, then an asshole in private. It’s actually a lot more common than you know.

      Anyway, I’m glad you’ve been reading my stuff as it sounds like you’re understanding the game with these people. The fact that he’s worried you might leave shows that you have the power. He’s trying to manipulate you so he can have that power back. But don’t fall for it! These people, while manipulative, actually want you to have the power!

      So in most cases, the more power you have over him, the more committed he’s going to be to you. I say in most cases because you never really know exactly. But I’m pretty confident in my assessment of your situation.

      So my advice is to just keep on building that power. When he tries to manipulate you, call him out. So for the sex example I’d be like “Well when you threaten me with an ultimatum like that, you get NO CHANCE at my vagina. So go find someone else because this is off limits until you change your attitude. I’d rather play with myself when you’re like this”

      It’s things like that that will make him more and more into you even if he tries to lash out at you afterwards, lol. So just call him out on his BS. Don’t play into his games.

      • Sheryl says:

        Hello,

        I know someone with Bpd who seems to be attracted to me. I just am not sure what to do if I get into a relationship with him. He likes commitment because he’s “needy”. or so he says. He already knows of his condition and treatments, and he also knows what he’s like (because he’s dated a bipolar girl before). Although I’ve read up on how he acts and he tells me how he is, I don’t know what to do. Should I just keep it as close friends or friends for now?

        The reason why I’m commenting here is because I would like to know how to protect myself from what he says whether we’re going to date or just stay as friends. I’m not shy, but I’m not a really agressive or very forward type. I want some advice to learn how to stand up if something goes wrong.

        Hope for a response, thanks.

        • I think you’re being smart about this. Words are cheap as you know and it’s all about actions. So yes, you should just take things slow and on your terms if you’re worried about getting overly attached. But that right there can be a problem because if you’re one to over-commit, then you need to work on that bad habit. So just do as you say, take things slow. This doesn’t mean that you can’t hook up for anything. If you do, it’s fine as long as you’re real about it and don’t let it cloud your judgment.

  47. carie says:

    Hi,

    I found your site and wanted to briefly share my situation, I need some insight. I dated a guy on and off for a year and let’s just say it was one heck of a roller coaster ride. Things were good for about the first 4 months and it WA st til I lost a family member that he was missing in responding to my texts, calls for 3 days. He had some lame excuse for not being there. Looking back, that should’ve been my question to cut it off. In the year I was with him, he never took me on a date, I always ended up paying for everything, and he made few attempts to introduce me to his family and friends. He was always acussing me of things I wasn’t doing, he had major trust issues. .. but I realized he was projecting on to me. When he would get angry, he would spew mean nasty things with name calling and as soon as I would stand up to him, he would back down. He could be verbally abusive at times. He would always seem to create an argument or withdrawal around holidays , so we never spent them together, which didn’t work for me. All in all I’m no doctor but his pure selfishness, along with all the other things, I knew after talking and some research he must suffer from NPD, BPD, or one of the personality disorders. Fast forward, and I broke things off and haven’t seen him in a month. I’ve clearly explained to him my reasoning a for my actions aand have told him numerous times to please stop contacting me. I struggle because, I do have a heart and I do know for a fact he came from a sad childhood and a lot happened to him to shape who he is today. How should I handle when he pops up and sends me a message? He gas a hard time respecting the boundaries I’ve out in place and when he does reach out, it’s to say something about this being my fault, that I’m crazy, or projecting on to me the very things he does or has done. Pure madness. Today is Thanksgiving and I know he will probably reach out to me, but I’m not sure if or how I should respond. A part of me feels like it won’t do anything but continue to enable him. He’s 34 yes old and he has the maturity of a teen at times. Should I just not respond to any of his messages, now and going forward? I’m trying to make an impact with my actions to protect me bit also I hopes it will inspire him to take a look at himself. I do love him, but I also love myself I’m lost at how to handle this. I look forward to your response! Happy Holidays

    • I have a difficult time helping women like you out because what you just described makes no sense. Did you read what you wrote? You describe to me a man that does nothing for you, treats you like shit, is basically scum, and then you go and say that you love him. Like I really don’t know what else to say here. How am I supposed to help you with a man that’s a tool? Like why can’t you see that? You just WROTE to me that this guy is a total douche moron and yet you want help with him? I’m really blown away lol, I don’t get why some of you women out there want help with dating a tool. Do you not realize that there are millions of other men out there that aren’t tools?

      You have to understand who you’re asking for help here. My life is built on a high quality lifestyle. This website is all about teaching men and women to live high quality lives. So when you come here asking me for help with this very low quality guy, it just doesn’t make sense. The solution is that you should date a high quality guy because then you won’t deal with these issues that only low quality men possess.

      Understand that there is NO SUCH THING as a high quality douche bag. They just don’t exist. Only low quality women date those tool douche bag types like your boyfriend. Men that are legit, genuine and therefore awesome are HIGH QUALITY. So start there. Find a high quality man and you won’t have any of these douche moron men problems.

    • Sound like my ex! Exactly. I wonder if you live in Arizona.. I met his family and they like me but he always accuses me of cheating. He’s 6’4″ very hot but can’t stay committed

      • Nope, not in Arizona :P Some men just aren’t ready for commitment and you can’t force anyone to commit, man or woman.

  48. Tan411 says:

    Seven years ago I met might BPD ex three months into the relationship I got pregnant, four months in the relationship all of his symptoms started to show. with numerous break ups many violent outbursts. when our daughter was too she was diagnosed with brain tumors. very stressful on the relationship. with five children between us all seeing signs of the violence we ended our relationship six months ago. I was devastated to find out he had been seeing other women, I had always been faithful and never lied, he idolizes these women but then it only lasts a month or so. after three months of leaving he came back saying that he missed his family and needed us and wanted us and I making a better person. I loved him and wanted our family to be together especially for my daughter being so sick. I told him that we would need a lot of counseling and that he would have to admit to his PPD and get a lot of treatment. he was willing to do anything and then a month and a half later and did it again because I wouldn’t allow him to move in and start our lives again until he got help. so brokenhearted again I found out there was another woman within days. now her daughter is having brain surgery my life is falling apart my self-esteem is gone I feel like I’ve lost everything to this man that I love so much. it seems like he doesn’t have a compassionate bone in his body feels no remorse or no sympathy as to what he’s done and what is happening with her daughter right now. I know I need a lot of therapy and help to get through the things that have happened but at the same time I still feel like I abandoned him and I wanted to fix him. please tell me what I’m supposed to do at this point.

    • I mean you sit here and you describe this guy that’s a total douche bag and then you say that you love him so much. So how am I supposed to help you here? Why would you be so in love with a guy that you just told me is the scum of the earth? The only problem here is that YOU seem to fall in love with guys that are scum. So I can’t help you with that. I’m sorry for your children but I can’t help you at all. Maybe stop loving men that are pieces of shit? That would be a good place to start.

  49. Christyrr22 says:

    Okay so I can relate slightly. My bPD and I were together for a year he left one day, quit his career as a police officer and 3 years later with one failed relationship since and several 100 woman he came back said he needs help and 6 months later he left again! He said that I remind him of his mother and that I’m too good for him, that he isn’t the family man type and is now fulfilling his time with random hook ups. I’m okay with not being together because I understand he has to work through this issues and I can’t “save” anyone. My question is….. Why did he come back after 3 years and then leave again after dating 6 months professing to me that he has all these issues just to tell me I’m mean, I deserve better and I remind him of his mom. What the hell does this mean? I feel like he uses me for self esteem boost and when he’s confident he leaves. When I told him that he said ” I care for you and I you deserve that happiness I just don’t know if I want that.” We have a phone plan together and I’m okay with no contact but I’m almost thinking he’s not going to pay the phone on purpose for the sake of me turning the phone off thereby reaffirming his thinking of me “being mean.” Then he texts and says “I’m not going to not pay the phone. Now after 3 weeks we have not spoken he tells a mutal friend that he gets bored w one girl. I know it doesn’t make sense because he doesn’t make sense, but what game is this? This is a new one for me. I feel like he is holding on bc he refuses to get his own phone plan and says “when I get the money” yet says I’m so mean to our mutual friends but doesn’t want me in his picture psychically. I’m stumped.

    • Aww damn I really feel for ya here because you sound like you just want to have a good, healthy relationship. The problem here is that you’re trying to have a simple, good relationship with a man that isn’t capable of having that. He’s lost in his own world, doesn’t know what he wants and is more interested in just banging girls than actually trying to be a good partner. So I mean if you want to try and pursue that, then go ahead. You’re never going to get what you want out of it but that’s your choice. He might settle down and date you in the long run, but not until after he’s had a lot of average and below average girls with a few STD’s. Guys like this NEVER date quality women. They just jump from one dirty girl to the next.

  50. Louise says:

    If you’re with a borderline male,its because there is some emptiness in you that you are trying to fill. I’ve been there done that,when I gained more respect for myself,I was able to let him go. You are there to validate him and make him the centerpiece of your life. Once he knows he has you,he looses interest and the I hate you don’t leave me cycle begins. I’m not angry about the past,BDP is a mental illness that takes a lot of work. No woman should try to be the saviour in the relationship. When a man feels weak he will leave and a BDP male always feel weak because they are,sad but true.

    • I feel like this goes both ways :)

    • Wildworld89 says:

      I feel like you haven’t read a lot of what Rick has said on this blog. No do NOT be their savior. Demand respect and don’t put with being disrespected. But if you are confident in yourself and willing to let that person go if they aren’t respecting you…the relationship can work. Just my two cents. It’s a complex issue and varies by person to person if it’ll work or not like any relationship. However yes dating a bpd is a special case that can be a mine field if you don’t know what you are doing. Takes a lot of work…even more so than dating someone without bpd.

  51. Hi Rick, I met a fantastic guy in my church 4 months ago, the first time i saw him he was very depressed. so i smiled and high 5 him, he then started to notice me because he likes my bubbly personality. we chatted a lot through fb, and he told me he has BPD. after 2 months of chatting, i jumped on him. i would say this relationship started with me not respecting myself. both of us realise that he is draining my energy away, and he has been struggling with smoking, drug and alcohol addiction. he can plan, he always wants to be a better man, but he finds it hard to comply due to his illness and the head injury that he got 3 weeks ago (central nerve damage). everytime i decided to walk away, my heart softened because i know he is trying his best to change. he has kind soul and personality. i want to support him but i dont know how. he dated 7 ladies in the past, he is 36, the reason i jumped on him was because he thought he need to take care of himself before he could take care of others, but i kept telling him that we can work things out together. he was in very bad condition last week, so i wrote him a letter (i am sane everytime im alone writting letter, but i get weak when i see him. in the letter i said i am setting boundaries with him, that we stop having sex for now because i dont want to get overwhelmed and insane). after reading my letter he agreed and he said thanks for not breaking up with him. he always want to help himself but he always failed, i dont know how to support him and to resist bending to his will because i care about him very much. please help.

    Correction: my bf has BAD which is bipolar (type 2), not BPD. These two conditions are very similar. he is diagnosed with BAD 17 years ago..

    • Yeah I feel like a lot of people get BPD confused with the bipolar you’re talking about. So then that does become a genetic issue. But it’s still something that can be dealt with when you got the skills. In regards to correct skills, this means no more writing letters, don’t try to boundary him through words, don’t bend to his will. Get him to commit more to you than you to him. Hope this helps :)

  52. Nicole says:

    Besides not texting or calling, what other things can one do to make the BPD male feel challenged to come get me? How long do I stay silent? It’s the push/pull rollercoaster. He’s left several times in the past, but manages to come back. I am the only one he’s come back to. I do believe he loves me, but I know he will not commit. After not seeing him for 2 years because he cheated and ended up moving in with someone (it lasted only 1.5 years, and she literally changed the locks and kicked him out in the dead of winter), he contacted me 3 months later. I resisted for a few months, but obviously caved because there is no abuse on his end. No raging, no verbal aggression. When he lets his guard down and spends time, we are extremely compatible and enjoy every minute. We have so much in common, and I’ve never experienced that before. Neither has he. I will do anything for him, but he knows that…I have tried to put up boundry lines, talk about respect, my feelings, etc., but he never responds. He becomes quiet and then pushes away. I worry, and then panic. You know how the story goes. How can I control my emotional reaction to this with my mind? I was doing very well before, even though it took a year to pull myself out of the pit. We have some mutual friends and I am friends with his oldest son. I can always find out how he’s doing and what he’s doing, which makes him very mad I’m sure. He shuts down and will not open his mouth any time feelings are brought up. His parents were both alcoholics, and there are major abandonment issues from his mother as a child. I believe she had mental illness as well as being an addict. He has had mounds of rejection with other women….How can I tell him to seek clinical help if he has no idea he is ill. He denies he is an alcoholic. He only says he has a drinking problem, however, besides that, he has done rehab for drug addiction 16 years ago. He’ll pop any pill you give him and wash it down with straight booze. It’s extremely sad and heartbreaking. He tells people he wants me and loves me, but his actions do not reflect that. I know I should walk away now, but I just can’t do it.

    • Well I think the best course of action is to walk away. You’ve got to draw the line. I would tell him that as long as he’s drinking like he is and being slow to communicate, you’re not going to be with him. Just set the line and be willing to walk away like you have been. It’s not just a simple no text/call. It’s bigger than that. It’s drawing the line and not letting them get away with their behavior anymore.

  53. I left my partner of 6 years because I was sick of his uncontrollable rages and a long list of other things but most of all because he refused to change and seek help. In a bid to win me back after I left he sort counseling and it was discovered he had BPD. When he told me this and I started reading up on BPD everything became clear, everything I read about BPD Was him in a nutshell. We have two children together so cutting off contact with him has never been an option especially because i would like to have a good co parenting relationship with him. Since we spit 12 months ago we have spent 11 of those months fight with each other but recently in the past 4 weeks we have not had one argument and seem to be sorting out this whole co parenting relationship pretty well. The problem now is that because i am able to speak to him like a friend and we have been treating each other with respect I am starting to see him as the person he was when we first met 7 years ago, and i miss that guy so much. We were best friends and although we had bad times the good time were really great and I miss them. Am I crazy to be thinking about him constantly and wanting him after everything he has put me through.

    • Well you shouldn’t be fighting with him in the first place. If you fight with a BPD, they automatically win because they’re crazy. There’s nothing you can say or do that will prove otherwise. So the fact that you fought for 11 months is bad. But I’m glad you found my website because I’ll help you with that. This period you’re in of no fighting is good. But don’t expect it to last. Something will happen that will escalate into a fight. It’s going to be this moment where the new skills you’ve learned will make their debut. It’s up to you to use them or be sucked into the fight. Let me know what happens

  54. Tenaya says:

    Hi Rick,

    Thank you for your article. I am 3 months out of a relationship with now I know was a BPD man. He came through as the ‘knight in shining armor,’ but I found his cracks quickly. I kept experiencing several ‘off’ things from him: crying outbursts, rage episodes, no future aspirations, several previous short term relationships, making me the center of his gauge for happiness and even him telling me he created a facade of himself to date me…

    After a ton of research, including your page today, I have a better understanding of him, why/how things unfolded and most of all, a better place of compassion to forgive him and myself. Keep doing great work.

    • I’m glad you’re learning! It’s really important to educate yourself but also don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. You come before your partner, never forget :)

  55. Hi, I’m pretty sure my husband has bpd. I got pregnant early on in the relationship and right away he thought it best we get married. He is in the military and would deploy or leave for training often. I think this kept the relationship good for a long time because he was always missing me. He was the most amazing, attentive person or the first year. Now the next year after my son was born he became a different person altogether (lost the facade). Everytime I complained about something in the relationship he would say we are over and I would have to beg and plead with him not to leave and he would make me promise I would try to be better in some aspect of our relationship, tried to make me kiss another woman because it was a turn on for him. Well I’m just so tired of him treating me badly and I’m not allowed to complain without him threatening divorce. I’ve had it so now it’s come down to he said he wants a divorce an doesn’t love me and I said fine. We are still living together for the past week but barely talking and planning for seperation. I’ve been going along with it hoping that he will apologize and realize he want to work things out but treat me better. Am I fooling myself? A little bit of background, I’m the longest relationship he’s had, 2 years probably because of out son. His dad left his mom when he was a baby so was raised by just his mom and stepdad. He admitted to cheating in past relationships. Please help!!

    • Yeah you’re in a rough spot. Fighting to keep him isn’t going to help as you’ve experienced. So the best move right now is to really just let him go. Tell him that if he wants to be single again then he should go do it. You’ve basically got to let him believe that you’re perfectly fine losing him. He needs to believe that it’s his loss. You can’t really do this with words. BPD’s are weak in that if they fear you’re actually going to leave, they’ll turn around and try to get you to stay.

      • Rick, thank you for the advice. A little update. I was trying to just take a step back and let him to what he wants. It’s been really hard to do as I deeply care for him and he’s been sending mixed signals. He will text me all day and I try not to text back but he will ask me things that have to do with our son and so then I respond. He moved all his clothes into the guest room a few days ago but he continues to come and sleep in bed with me after I’ve fallen asleep so I wake up and he’s right there and one morning he initiated sex. I gave in, which I know was the wrong thing to do. Afterwards he apologized and said he shouldn’t have done that since we will be getting divorced. Sometimes he will be really rude and moody towards me and go off and hangout all day with his friends. But then he woke me up this morning saying he got me breakfast and coffee. He seems to still have the urge to take care of me but isn’t wearing his ring. He also hasn’t told many people that we are seperated.. As far as actions on my part I’m not wearing my ring, I don’t try to talk to him about our status nor am I affectionate. I’m just so confused by his actions. What do you think and are there other actions I can take to make him come around?

      • Hi I stumbled across your article. I like your page very informative. My ex who I think has bpd dumped me almost 3 weeks ago. I was starting to get over him fine but his sister out of nowhere emails me and apologizes for her brothers behavior. And it got me obsessing over him again. To the point where I want to contact him even though he hurt me but I know I shouldn’t.

        When I first met him he was all into me. But I can tell he had baggage. His ex mother of his 3 kids and they were together 12 years since he was 17. He found out she cheated and was a dirty masseuse. I guess I was his distraction from all this. I was also going through a recent breakup. We got along so well and he did so much for me in the beginning. It was like a dream come true. It did alarm me though couple weeks in I tried to stop talking to him so I can work it out with my ex. But he told me he loved me and thought about marriage already so I saw the red flag. But ignored it. He pleaded for me not to leave him so I stayed we continued talking. And I fell in love so quick we were bf/gf within 3 weeks. Everything was great he was always around. Then I noticed a shift in behavior. I admit it started Bc on Valentine’s Day I didnt talk to him all the way home 1 hour trip Bc he introduced me to his friend that I was his friend. I admit I’m insecure and have anger issues. I maybe have narcissistic traits. That probably turned him off. He still came around just not as strong as before. 2 months in the relationship he started always stressing about his life, kids, work and pushed me away. But everytime I tried to end things or ignore him he would plead and beg for me to stay he said he needed me loved me and was deeply in love. I believed him. His ex found out he was moving on with me so she constantly kept trying to get back with him(as he says) we went on a Vegas trip. When we came back he was more distant than before. We pushed and pulled every week. Finally toward the end he went MIA for 3 days. I finally get a hold of him through email I told him he was wrong and blamed him for treating me like that. I broke it off. He kept coming back again this time he sent flowers to my work and came to my work parked outside and waited for me for 4 hours. I talked to him and we made up. Said it was his last chance. He said he wouldn’t mess it up he puts it on his kids! I posted the pics on social media his ex found out was upset. Used the kids as ultimatum. The next day he dumped me said the flowers didn’t mean anything and he loved her more so we should stop talking. And I haven’t heard from him since.

        So his sister explains to me she thought he was happy with me was confused when he and his ex tried to work things out days after our Vegas trip. So all along I was the side bitch. I’ve never been a side bitch so I didn’t know I thought I was the main girl so he made it seem I’m the one he loves blah blah blah. So all along he was back and forth between her and I. And she found out he was still seeing me so he forced him to write the last text. Well his sister reached out to me and said he’s back doing drugs again. She thinks he relapsed Bc he didn’t have closure with me. It’s really making me want to reach out but I know I shouldn’t. He did me wrong hurt me and cheated lied. He doesn’t deserve me. Plus I shouldn’t mess with someone on drugs but somehow I want to “be his savior” but I’m just forcing myself not to be stupid but it’s hard ever since his sister reached out to me.

        • You answered your own question. Don’t reach out to him, make him come to you. Make him chase you 100%. And even then, don’t give him another chance unless he can 100% commit to you and PROVE it.

  56. I’ve been in a fully committed relationship with my bpd boyfriend for 1 year, we live together and have a strong support network of friends around when things get tough. He goes to therapy daily and is working hard on getting better. He has been diagnosed now for 6 years and tried several therapeutic regimes, he’s currently involved in a model of conversational psychotherapy. I have been very supportive and patient through his treatment, cutting episodes, frequent low moods and drinking. He’s never violent or aggressive, just withdrawn. Though I am struggling to be patient through this latest challenge. He is fixated on my sexual past, and can’t deal with the fact that I’ve slept with people quickly in my early 20s. We’re both 30 years old now, but he can’t get over my past, which only happened 2 or 3 times when I was at college and I’ve been in long term committed relationships since or single. I can change my past, it’s not a bad thing and I didn’t hurt anyone. But this history is all he can see of me now and I don’t know how much longer I can take the silence and non-verbal devaluation. He says he still loves me and wants to get through this, but I don’t know how long I can last feeling hated for not doing anything wrong. I wonder if he’ll ever again be able to see past this issue and see the loving, devoted girlfriend I constantly demonstrate to him.

    • This is a typical issue with people that have issues such as your boyfriend. They just can’t seem to focus on the future and move forward. They focus on the past and are therefore negative forces. I personally refuse to date anyone that’s going to give me negativity for my past. And to be honest, I don’t talk about my past much with people I date. There’s really no need to. I would highly consider telling your boyfriend that he needs to man up and worry about himself before he starts judging you for your past. It doesn’t sound like you slept with many people so he has no need to complain. And even if he did, it’s your business anyway. My honest opinion for people like this is to just not be honest, lol. Just say ‘I slept with a couple of guys, all long term boyfriends.’ Sometimes half truths really are best the truths, unfortunately…

      • Thanks for your reply. I think that’ll be the best strategy. A couple of close friends have weighed in and told me to tell him the same thing, just man up and get over it.
        I have another question. Should I have a relationship with his family? His situation includes a family that is very uninformed and mostly in denial of his condition, but they are also constantly involved in our lives. And for him, they continue to provide an invalidating environment. They reach out to me often, and I have maintained a polite relationship with them so far. It is very frustrating hearing about the ways they let him down or exacerbate a situation. Though part of me wants to be the bridge between then and help both parties understand each other. Because I think it’ll help me in the long term.
        Should I just stay out of it? Worry about myself first? Part of me thinks I’ll find the missing pieces to the puzzle in taking to his family, and these will contribute to recovery.

        • I think you should leave the family out of it. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking that the family can help. But the reality is that a lot of people don’t want help from the family. They’ve lived with the family for 18+ years and are sick of hearing advice from mom and pop, even if it’s good natured. After all, words are meaningless. A family sit down therapy session will do nothing for him, in my opinion. But it’s your choice! You know the family better than I do so if you think it would help, then give it a try.

  57. Alicia says:

    Ok so I’m hoping you could help me. It’s a long story but here goes…

    I’ve been working with a coworker for years and I never knew he wJim, as interested in me. Until one day I found out he had been a victim of child rape so I would give him hugs out of sympathy. At first he seemed terrified of contact and would shake when I’d hug him. Soon he began to relax. Then he slowly began to pursue me, through text. I wasn’t interested in him at first but I became attached to him and one day he nervously grabbed me and kissed me . His past is a string of sad stories, his first gf overdosing on drugs while pregnant with his child(which he blames himself for), bad relationships who used him, cancer, and being mistreated. He claims to hate himself and wonder why he exists and that he ruins the lives of whoever he gets close to. He told me he loved me, wrote me poetry, everything. However since our job is to take care of animals, I’ve seen the genuine love he’s shown animals, even though he says he does not trust humans. He’s addicted to marijuana, yet I fell for him but due to differences in religion I told him a relationship would be unlikely. Anytime I tried to break it off, his face would age ten years and tears would stream down. So he attempted to join my religion but failed and got very depressed, drawing pictures of shooting himself in the head. During these months he would grab me at work and caress me even if I pushed him away because I set physical boundaries. Unbeknownst to me, he began talking to another girl behind my back and I found out recently he had been sleeping with her and he slowly became distant yet still grabby. We had an argument at work that got me so emotional I walked out and almost lost my job. He wanted me to lie to the boss so that he had nothing to do with it. After this, I was tipped off that his “gf” was at his house.When I went to confront them both, he kept denying she was in the apartment and when I faced her and told her how he had just been trying to get me in bed the week before. He said nothing, his eyes grew watery and a deep angry frown on his face. He yelled at me to get out before he called the police. I brought a sexual harassment complaint to my boss, and now he’s ignoring me and giving me the silent treatment. He’s still with his gf on vacation, but since there wasn’t enough evidence, he wasn’t fired and returns next week. Now he and his gf blocked me and is giving me the silent treatment.

    My question is…is this man a sociopath or has bpd? Did he drop me because of the pressure of failure? I want to smooth things out with him but I’m not sure what to do next. Your insight is appreciated.

    • I don’t label people so I can’t say whether he’s sociopath or BPD or whatever other broad words exist that I don’t support. I would say that based on his actions, he’s got a lot of serious issues going on with him. You should be asking yourself why you want to be with an individual that’s this insecure and low. He lies to you, he cheats on you and yet you still want to be with him? Honey, have some self-respect. There are plenty of better men out there just waiting for a girl like you.

      • Alicia says:

        The thing is, we were never “officially” together, we never went out on dates or anything. We would just hang out at work and frankly maybe I was being a tease. But he does lie. A lot.

  58. PunshLove says:

    Correction:

    He lives at home in his own unit beside his parents. Has never retained a job consistently for longer than a few months. He has only had one serious relationship and that was when he was 18 apart from that it’s just a string of experiences that led him to always find fault with every single female, somehow I am the exception apart from his mother whom he is enmeshed with 17 years later. Each girlfriend he has there was always a reason for him to justify leaving her because she was not good enough for him. Somehow he can spin a web around anything to make it look like everyone else is wrong because he can see their weaknesses……….their Achilles heels. He can systematically find every single fault and weakness in every human he crosses. He is never wrong sincerely……….because he sees deeper than most normal people……….but he takes these kernals of truth and uses them in his own warped, twisted and distorted thinking which he has no idea about………because to him that one truth is enough…………and mostly it actually is. He leaves everyone in a precarious place where they can’t possibly argue against him because one nugget of vulnerable truth is all he needs to zero in for the kill.

    That is my guy……………I’ve been with him for 3 years………love him to death but he is killing me it feels and although he can ‘see’ things…………he is the perpetrator almost every time. Insane………..I know what I see yet I’m trying to find reasons to stay because with me he is the most sincere and loyal. With me he has gone all out and showed his devotions where as he has never done so with anyone before. Red flag? Hell yes……………I’m stuck in between knowing he is the most beautiful creature I’ve ever touched to the most evil manipulative and smart enemy ever encountered. I’m literally fucked because both feel real but which one is the truth? Three years later I’m still asking myself that question…………he has furnished an entire house based on my taste and love……..he spends each day trying to make things perfect for me according to what he thinks I love and need……………..but when I need him and am struggling……….it’s too much for him……..he can’t deal with it and says its me that is not capable of speaking.

    Really down a rabbit hole here……..can we see it?

    • Hi, thanks for coming here and asking questions. You see, with these types of people you really have to be confident and content with who you are. Because they can push you away when you need them most, you need to be in a position in life where you actually just don’t struggle emotionally, you don’t need your partner to comfort you, you don’t need that ‘love’ that so many people think they need out of insecurity. You have to be in the mindset that you would be perfectly happy if you were single, you don’t need a relationship to feel happy. When you reach this mentality and start feeling this way, these relationships become much easier to be in because you’re dating simply because you choose and want to, and not because you feel emotionally unfulfilled. Hope this makes sense, it is pretty advanced :)

      • danica says:

        I think you have something here. I agree that when you’re confident and secure with yourself and who you are, it shows that you don’t NEED anyone. I believe this is what attracted my ex to me because it is what he lacked in himself. But after being in a relationship with him I began to wither away with tiring from the constant validation he required. I stopped caring for myself because it would take a lot of energy making up for the neglect he felt about himself. Well, once I began to notice a part of my spirit had slipped away, he began to devalue me. I was no longer the strong confident independent person he admired. I believe he found these attributes in me and these attributes were what he was always wanting for himself.

        After we broke up or rather when he pulled the rug from under me, I was broken. I felt that a big part of my soul had been lost in our relationship. I was a mess. I was down and missed him so much. And the worst part was the shock factor. The fact that one day he was in love with me and literally a few days later he felt like I was a walking disease. I’m sure my standing up to him about his selfishness played a part in his decision. But I didn’t feel the relationship was 50/50. I started to feel towards the end that it was 85/15 and I was the one putting in my part as well as his 35%. It wasn’t working. I spoke up about it. And that’s when I believe he felt I was no longer going along with his script. Thing is, it was not like I asked for marriage or anything major. I just asked him to do his part. I remember we were laying down and he looked me in the eyes and told me that everything felt comfortable and like home with us and he said he felt so happy with me in his arms. A few days later it was like speaking to some mad man stranger who blamed me for his life problems. He told me that he felt ashamed to be seen with me. I asked him how he could say that to me? I told him it made me feel like crap….like I was meaningless to him when he said he felt ashamed. He said he wasn’t ashamed OF ME but felt shame about HIMSELF. At the time I didn’t understand. I just felt hurt. I kinda see the pain and shame he had about himself NOW that we’ve been broken up. But I don’t understand WHY he lacks a filter when he speaks. I don’t know if this insensitive non filter speaking is a BPD trait, but I’m sure if the tables were turned, he would NOT appreciate the blunt truth from my mouth as he has always said he’s a sensitive person. I guess sensitive meaning he doesn’t take well to criticism… NOT sensitive as in being a soft or tender individual.

        Anyway, after time I began to get my confidence back. I weaned myself off of him. I started to focus on myself. His childish antics of voluntarily throwing his new relationship in my face didn’t bother me like in the beginning. And in the beginning I mean that he started seeing someone two months after we ended. Of course I’m sure he probably had her lined up before he pulled the rug on us. After we broke up he was hot and cold with me. It was a confusing time especially when my feelings for him was still strong. I went to therapy. I looked back on the red flags that I let slide. I realized that I sacrificed my authenticity to adapt to his ways.

        It is obvious to me that the ex still has insecurities and is emotionally immature. But I find it interesting that he is still stuck in the blame game and woe is me attitude. I feel Sorry for him but I don’t try to help him anymore like I used to. Just like in the safety demonstration on airplanes….I need to place the mask over my own face before placing the mask on someone else. I haven’t reached the point where I feel like I NEED to or want to place the mask over his face. I’m leaving that up to whomever it is that has replaced me in his life relationship wise.

        I did NOT work on myself for HIM or for anyone else. I USED to think how is it that I’m here feeling like crap about the break up and he’s out there living it up smiling? Well, I don’t care about that anymore because I’m too busy doing my own thing. And I realize that his smiling and living it up was a temporary fix…. a band aid to cover the massive core damage. More importantly, I can see that thru his facade and mask wearing so much more clearly now. I still have compassion. I still hope he gets the help he needs and addresses the core issues he lived with. I don’t wish harm on him. I wish he truly saw and believed without fear that I cared for him sincerely instead of focusing on his shame and what others would think of him. I feel sad for him and the fog he lives with about himself, life, and others. I imagine it’s a sad, lonely, and scary state to constantly live in.

        • Yeah you can’t really help people in life. They really can only help themselves. I just tell people that if they want to be happy in life, they need to first figure out why they are not happy and work on that area. You can’t find happiness in people so stop trying to find happiness in loving a partner. It doesn’t work that way. So yeah he has to find his own happiness. You cannot do it for him :(

  59. kristen says:

    Hope you can help me. I’ve been with my boyfriend (well today he is my ex, but that is subject to change as you know) for 18 months. We have been “off” more than “on” for more than half of that time. We got engaged after a few weeks and started planning the wedding but we both were out of work for some of this time, so wedding planning halted. Anyway we have had our ups and downs he moved out for a week earlier this year. Every time he asks if I want to work things out he makes me come up with a list of things I will do to change. So I work on those things and then after a few months he will find other things I am doing wrong and uses that to make the excuse to leave. he moved out again a month ago and we have tried to work on things again for the past few weeks. But the other day things got the worst they have in all this time. He said he was done after I didn’t call him when he demanded, and then blamed his leaving on the fact that I babied him too much the night before when he was in the ER for kidney stone pain. It’s hard to know how to act and if I tell him that he flips out and again turns it on me. I do love him and I know he loves me but geez what do I do now that he left again…same old crap this time…leave me alone or I’m filing harassment charges. Well, he did (I did call him incessantly the other day). So now I can’t contact him for fear of going to jail. However, he never begs me to take him back, so I’m confused. What do I do? I don’t know if this is really it or if he will try to contact me again in a few days. What do I do? Don’t tell me to run far away cause I’m not ready….I want to fix this and I don’t know how

    • Well he filed this stupid harassment claim on you so you can’t really contact him. And that’s okay to be honest. Let him come to you. And when he does, don’t be so quick to take him back. Tell him that he needs to drop the harassment charge before you’ll let him speak any more to you. As for his requests telling you to ‘change’, that’s just manipulation on his part. You should instead tell him that he should make some changes because you’re actually a pretty normal, stable person. He’ll probably fight you on this so always be ready to turn your back and close the door in his face. He needs to know that he can’t push you around anymore.

      • kristen says:

        Update: After I didn’t contact him for 24-48 hours he came back. He didn’t beg me to come back, he did what he always does…..said we needed to talk. So we were talking for a while. Things have been ok, but now we are at a breakup again. He got mad at me for what he percieved to be my selfishness when he did not live up to his word to spend time with me over the weekend. We got in to a yelling match calling each other horrible names and throwing our insecurities in each other’s faces. He is also recently admitted his is a pain pill addict, and I threw that in his face. Now he says he doens’t love me anymore, which I know can’t be true. But I don’t know what to do.

        • Well why are you fighting with him like that and getting into a yelling match? I know it can be extremely difficult to control your emotions, but this is the type of situation where you have to gain control. You can’t play into his power and start yelling at him. So what you need to do going forward is to stop getting into these yelling matches with him. Be non-reactive to his BS. Don’t let him get under your skin.

  60. Hi, I am dating a real manipulator. He use the ignore and silent treatment a lot. I know he is a serial dater. He seems extremely and passionately in love when you are with him. Asks you to write to him the next day. Puts you through a questionaire as if he is evaluating you for his future wife or something. Only to give you the ignore treatment when you doo write him the next day. He has this thing with submission. He always plans half dates… but they never amount to anything. He constantly keeps you in an almost relationship.
    I never give in to him or show weakness. .. and that seems to trigger him in some way when he try to trick me in to submission. And constantly ask if i am in love with him. I always say No.
    I find it Hard to bee patient during the silent treatment periode. And I usually end up braking it off with him. Usually that works. But this time seems different. He normally reads the messages i send him but just dont answer. .. this time he is completly ignoring the messages. Dont Even read them. But he doesent write “stop writing” “its over”… dont know what that Means. Last time i sag him he sad that i always sound come home to him and sleep, when i have been out… Even if he sad No.
    That world bedste fine with me. Cause im not in love with him. I just like the Challenge and ses him as a friends with benefits. But I am a fraid to just show up… Will he humiliate me or doesent he mean it?

    • I mean it just sounds to me like you’re his little play toy. If you’re find with just sleeping with him, then that’s your choice I’m not going to judge you. However, if you want commitment from him and he’s not giving it to you, then it’s best you stop sleeping with him and challenge him to pursue you. You’ll get the answers you want that way. Thanks for the comment :)

  61. I have your program and find it really helpful. I am dating a man for 2 years that I believe has something ‘wrong’ – and I don’t know if it is BPD or not frankly. He was divorced (married 14 years) and engaged before me for two years. So, he is not afraid of commitment. I don’t know how to explain the situation quickly but I will say that I am in an almost constant state of confusion or trying to pinpoint why my ‘gut’ screams ‘something is off’. He shared that his ex-girlfriend had BPD and the one before that was bipoloar – he seems to have a huge victim mentality an and blames everyone else for everything that happens to him. He is highly successful and can be charming, generous, chivalrous, kind, loving and loyal but when I say something he does not like? You can see his eyes change and he can be hateful – rage – ignore/stonewall – manipulative. And then go right back to being loving when the argument is over. I have wondered if he is prone to affairs but I have no proof – no one that knows him – very little friends – and we don’t live together. I struggle with how someone can be so endearing (truly) with so awful. And I have my moments as well. I am struggling. Thank you for the article.

    • And that’s why you focus on the individual. Everyone is different. Don’t focus on BPD here at all, really work on figuring out what’s going on. Sounds like you don’t know too much about his past like his upbringing and such so I would try to dig into that and find out how his childhood was. Thanks for the feed back :)

    • I relate with this 110%. This is exactly what I deal with with my partner. His eyes change and he looks disgusted if he doesn’t like something I say, then back to chivalry and kindness. Does he ever talk about people being good or bad people? That’s a symptom too. They see things black and white, good and bad. No grey. So you bring something up and he says “I’m a good person. I’m not a bad person.” I felt it was a cop out but it’s actually the way they think. I just had to break up with mine because I’m starting to feel insane.

      • My mission is to train people to develop their inner core and identity, ultimately building your own self-respect to astronomical levels. With high levels of self-respect, you get what you want out of life: Your relationships are different. People treat you differently. BPD issues don’t penetrate your thick skin. This is the big picture here and I want people to see and understand this. It’s an up hill battle due to all the BS out there, but it’s my mission and I’m in this for long haul :)

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