Not too long ago I received an email from a gentleman asking for advice for bigger guys. As a guy who has struggled with his weight as an aspiring PUA, I was more than happy to provide some answers. So much, it seems, that it turned into a massive four page explanation of everything I had to say about being a PUA who is overweight. And since I know that there are a lot of us out there who are a little insecure about our weight, I figured I would post it for you all.
Here is what he wrote:
I just read your bio on the VA site, and it was really inspirational. I’m a big guy around your top weight, but I’m also tall & broad shouldered. I used to work as a bouncer. I am sort of built like a retired football player.
Were you able to have some success before you lost the weight? What sorts of things helped reframe your size to people? I’ve purchased and read the full Revelation set, but it doesn’t have much info in terms of advice for bigger guys.
And here is what I had to say. Enjoy!
I actually still haven’t lost all the weight. I gained some back a while ago so I still got a bit of a belly that I’m working on. Nearly all of my proudest moments in the field happened when I was around 280-300 lbs. And while I may not have believed it when I was first starting out, it was never my weight that held me back in the field, but rather my internal beliefs regarding my weight.
The hardest part about being an overweight PUA is that it is very hard to realize that the fact that we are overweight isn’t really that big of a deal in the field if we handle it correctly. As we already know from Revelations, women do not select their mates with the same emphasis on physical fitness and beauty to the extent that men do. Most of the time, our greatest enemy is our own insecurity and not what other people actually think of us.
When I first started out in the field, it was really hard to believe that women would be attracted to me even if I was overweight. I still remember being so surprised when a woman reached out and touched my chest (a kino ping) while I was running a DHV routine that I went home and wrote all about it on the StyleLife forum. Before that night, I had never really thought that a woman of such beauty would want to touch my disgusting body.
That is actually what I thought about myself. Harsh right? I had spent the first 21 years of my life believing that beautiful women only wanted men with chiseled bodies and movie star looks and would never look twice at someone like me – how could I think any different? I was so insecure that I was chronically embarrassed to even take off my shirt in front of a woman, regardless of whether I knew her or not. Even when girls were legitimately hitting on me it was a concept so outside of my reality that I wouldn’t believe she was actually interested and blow the set.
I used to make excuses about my weight, telling people that it was mostly muscle underneath or something equally ridiculous that no one REALLY believed. Or I would make jokes about how I was “self-insulated” or how there was “more of me to love”. Or I would write clever routines about how looks didn’t matter and how we lived in a superficial society. It went on and on like this as I tried anything I could to logically convince girls that I was a great guy underneath all this blubber.
Eventually, despite my own insecurities I started achieving more and more success in the field. And with the help of those who coached me when I was still learning the ropes (Mystery and Matador, and later Lovedrop and Discovery), I figured out that a lot of women don’t care about a man’s weight as long as he is attractive in other ways. As I started dating hotter and hotter women, models, aspiring actresses, and exotic dancers, I discovered for myself that there is a surprising amount of beautiful women in the world who are actually ATTRACTED a guy with a belly.
The reality I discovered is that if women see that you are a cool, fun alpha male who makes the girls giggle and the guys laugh and is the type of guy who protects his loved ones and be safe around, your weight just doesn’t enter into it.
So there was no reason at all to be making excuses or trying to reframe the idea of me being overweight to people because if I handled it correctly, it didn’t matter anyway. And really, the ultimate reframe is just to not call attention to it at all. If you present yourself in such a way that it doesn’t appear like your weight matters to you, then it wont matter to them either. The key is, as I’ve said before, to handle your weight correctly.
Here is what I’ve learned in that respect:
Bigger Guys Can Be Scary
Believe it or not, a woman will feel more secure with an overweight man than with a really skinny man of the same height. The basic survival value calculation is that larger = stronger = more capable of surviving. So this is an advantage to us bigger guys once we have a woman attracted as it will be easier for her to feel safer and therefore more comfortable when she’s with us. The problem is that this same size and strength can be scary to a woman. As larger men, we don’t realize what it’s like to be in potentially dangerous situations with people who are tremendously larger and stronger than us on a regular basis.
It is good to be animated and exciting when you are holding court in the field. But at 6’2″ and 280 lbs, if I’m making a lot of fast movement with my hands and arms while we talk, I can be intimidating and downright terrifying to a petite 5’2″ blonde. So we have to take care and ensure that our gestures are slow and meaningful. We should try to talk with our hands as little as possible, keeping them at our sides and relaxed more often than not.
Laughing and smiling in the field is especially important for larger men like us. A larger guy with a big bright smile and a contagious laugh is a lot more approachable than a large guy with a serious scowl on his face. I mean, if you saw another you standing in a nightclub looking like you were gonna knife a guy, would you go up and say hi? If we’re not smiling, we usually look scary, it’s just one of those things.
Put a woman on your arm!
Preselection is such an invaluable tool, especially for an overweight man. Think about it, if a woman sees a hot girl hitting on a cute guy she understands that the guy is physically handsome so it makes sense that this girl is hitting on him. But if she sees the same hot girl hit on a man who isn’t in peak physical condition she doesn’t think “ewww why would she hit on him?” as you might think. In fact, what she thinks is “I want to find out what it is about him that makes him so attractive.” Find a wing girl if you can, start practicing merging sets, put a woman on your arm and walk her around the venue. Believe me, if a woman sees that another beautiful woman wants you, your weight will not be an issue.
Don’t Hide Your Size
Of course, we still have to remember that just because women do not value looks in a man as much as men do in women, does not mean that they don’t value looks at all. Looks do matter, to be sure, but if you know how to present yourself as a larger man they don’t really matter much at all. As I said before, if you present yourself as a man to whom his weight doesn’t matter, then it wont matter to anyone else. As such, confident body language is a must. It should never look like you are trying to hide the fact that you are overweight. It will actually register more strongly in a woman’s mind if you try to sit or stand in a way that tries to hide your weight than it would have if she just saw your belly sticking out. Stand tall and be proud of your size. Remember that a sign of insecurity about your weight is far more unattractive than the weight itself.
Dress To Impress
There are always going to be stereotypes regarding overweight people. There will always be cartoons and TV shows that play on clichés and social stigmas that are both positive and negative. Thankfully, it’s not that hard to avoid the negatives and play up the positives. An overweight man in a t-shirt and jeans says “slob” to a woman. But an overweight man dressed in a fine suit says “abundance”. In fact, if you don’t hit the clubs wearing a suit then you need to go buy a well-fitting, tailored suits with an attractively colored dress-shirt and tie. A larger man with broad shoulders is the kind of man who will look amazing in a properly fitting suit. Don’t believe me? Run around town doing errands wearing the least flattering clothes you own. Then, the next time you have to run around town, do it in a suit and tie. Talk to people. Smile. Make conversation. I guarantee that the way people respond to you will be a night and day difference depending on how you present yourself. If you wear a suit and a tie and a smile, people will treat you like you are worth a million dollars.
Wear clothing and colors that showcase your size and build rather than hides it. Black, I have learned the hard way, is a good way to cover up your unsavory curves, but it hides the rest of you in the darkness of the bar or club. And unless you are in a goth or fetish club, wearing all black is just too much for most girls. Strong colors and clothing that fits your body well, combined with that positive body language and a smile transform you from “that fat guy over there” to “who is THAT guy over there?”
Join a Gym and Get A Personal Trainer
Of course, the best part about starting out without the advantages of an attractive, lean body is the knowledge that once you get this game down as a bigger guy, things will be so much easier once you get yourself into shape. Imagine the charm, charisma, and social intelligence you will have developed while you were overweight backed by a rockin’ body! If you are really serious about losing the weight, join a gym and get a personal trainer. After years of having my own weight go up and down like a yoyo, a personal trainer has been the only way I’ve had good results in losing the pounds. In fact, since I started with my PT, my friends are constantly going on about how much weight I’ve been losing, and more women have been OPENING ME than ever before in my life. And let me tell you, nothing boosts your self-confidence more than a beautiful woman approaching YOU.